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IT'S SO NICE TO SEE SO MANY OF YOU TONIGHT.
AND BEFORE WE GET STARTED WITH OUR FIRST AUTHOR, UM, WE HAVE SOMEONE HERE WHO'S GONNA MAKE A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.
SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE HEARD IT ALREADY, BUT MAYBE NOT ALL OF YOU.
UM, HER NAME IS ALLISON MCCABE AND I'M GONNA INTRODUCE HER RIGHT NOW.
UM, CAN I JUST BRING THIS DOWN A LITTLE BIT? OKAY.
UM, HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE WE, UH, WHO ARE HERE NOW? WERE HERE LAST YEAR.
SO, UM, I'M A HASTINGS RESIDENT, UM, ALSO A JOURNALIST AND AUTHOR, AND LAST YEAR I WAS HERE DOING A READING FROM A BOOK THAT I WROTE, BUT I ALSO MENTIONED THAT GOING ON TOUR FOR THAT BOOK AND GOING TO BOOKSTORES AROUND THE COUNTRY AND, AND SEEING PEOPLE LIKE YOU COMING OUT TO TALK ABOUT BOOKS AND IDEAS, REALLY INSPIRED ME TO BRING A BOOKSTORE HERE TO MY HOMETOWN OF HASTINGS.
AND, UM, IT'S BEEN QUITE A JOURNEY, BUT I'M EXCITED TO TELL YOU THAT IT IS HAPPENING.
WE'RE GONNA BE LOCATED AT TWO SPRING, UM, ON THE CORNER OF SPRING AND SOUTH SIDE.
IF YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH THE SEWING STUDIO, WE'LL BE, UH, A LITTLE LOUDER.
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? YES, SIR.
OKAY, I'M GONNA, IS THAT GOOD? OKAY.
UM, WE'RE GONNA BE AT TWO SPRING STREET, WHICH IS THE CORNER OF SPRING AND SOUTH SIDE.
IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THE SEWING STUDIO, WE'RE RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE SEWING STUDIO, SO WE HAVE TO, FINGERS CROSSED, WE HAVE TO PASS OUR FINAL INSPECTION,
SO I CAN'T PUBLICLY ANNOUNCE AN OPENING DATE, BUT I AM AIMING FOR MAY, EARLY MAY.
AND SO THE BEST WAY TO FIND OUT IF WE'RE OPEN IS IF YOU ARE INSTAGRAM, YOU CAN FOLLOW US AT VANISHING INK BOOKS OR JUST COME ON BY RIGHT NOW, IT'LL SAY COMING SOON.
AND EVENTUALLY WE'LL TEAR DOWN THAT POSTER AND IT'LL BE OPEN.
SO, UM, THAT'S, THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.
I JUST WANTED TO SHARE THAT AND THANK YOU.
UM, SO ALSO, UM, YEAH, UH, WE'RE WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK, SO I'M SO SORRY I CAN'T STAY TONIGHT BECAUSE I'M LITERALLY BUILDING THE STORE TO GET IT OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY,
BUT I DID WANNA COME BY AND SAY, UH, THIS EVENT IS WONDERFUL AND THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT AND, UM, YEAH, I HOPE THAT YOU ALSO COME OUT TO OUR BOOKSTORE WHEN IT'S OPEN.
UM, OKAY, SO WHAT'S THAT? YEAH, SO, UM, FIRST I'D LIKE TO TELL EVERYONE THAT SARAH DAVIDSON IS ALSO HERE.
SHE HAS PICTURE BOOKED, WHICH, UM, IS A SHOP SET UP AT HUD CO.
AND, UH, TONIGHT SHE'S SELLING RONNIE SHUTTER'S BOOKS AND ONE OF STEVE ZEIT LYNN'S BOOKS.
SO PLEASE SEE HER, UH, ANY POINT DURING THE EVENING TO PICK THAT UP AND MAYBE GET AN AUTOGRAPH FROM THE AUTHOR.
I'M SURE YOU COULD CONVINCE HER.
I'M GONNA INTRODUCE OUR FIRST, UH, AUTHOR TONIGHT, HIS NAME, I'M GONNA READ THIS FROM MY WEBPAGE, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
HIS NAME IS JARED BEASLEY, AND IN HIS LATEST BOOK, THE ENDURANCE ARTIST JOURNALIST JARED BEASLEY, GOES DEEP INTO THE MIND OF THE SO-CALLED LEONARDO DA VINCI OF PAIN TO UNCOVER THE STRUGGLE, HUMOR, AND OBSESSIVE BRILLIANCE THAT DRIVE THE MOST GRUELING ULTRA MARATHONS IN THE WORLD.
DRAWING FROM FIRSTHAND REPORTING AT THE 2023 BARCLAY MARATHONS AND THE BACKYARD ULTRA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP, AS WELL AS HUNDREDS OF HOURS OF INTERVIEWS, UM, BEASLEY REVEALS HOW A ONCE AIMLESS HIPPIE WHOSE LIFE GOAL WAS SIMPLY TO STAY OUT OF JAIL, TRANSFORMS INTO ULTRA RUNNING'S MOST NOTORIOUS MASTERMIND.
MORE THAN JUST A STORY OF RACES AND RUNNERS, THE ENDURANCE ARTIST FORCES US TO RECONSIDER OUR LIMITS AND WHY WE PUSH THEM.
WELL, THERE GOES, UM, THE, THE NOTES I PREPARED, SHE JUST READ ALL OF THEM SAVED ME SOME TIME ON THIS 15 MINUTE CLOCK.
I WAS PREPARED FOR A PODIUM SITUATION, WHICH IS NOT THE CASE, SO I'M GONNA MAKE THIS WORK, I THINK.
UM, I KNOW THAT WAS A LOT TO TAKE IN FROM WHAT SHE JUST SAID, AND SO I'LL JUST LIKE SKIM A LITTLE BIT OF THOSE NOTES.
LAZARUS LAKE, I HANDED OUT, UM, THIS TO SOME PEOPLE AND THIS CHARMING LOOKING FELLOW HERE IS LAZARUS LAKE.
HIS REAL NAME IS GARY KENTRELL.
AND, UM, IN THE WORLD OF ULTRA RUNNING, RUNNING BEYOND A MARATHON, DOING A HUNDRED MILES, 200 MILES, EVEN UP TO LIKE A THOUSAND MILES IN SOME CASES.
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IS THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN THE WORLD, UH, AT THIS POINT, HAS BEEN FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS OR SO.HE'S BEEN CALLED, UH, THE WILLY WONKA OF THE WOODS.
THE, UM, AN EVIL GENIUS AND A LOT OF OTHER THINGS I CAN'T MENTION HERE IN CASUAL CONVERSATION.
BUT, UH, I CONVINCED THE NEW YORK TIMES TO SEND ME DOWN THERE, UM, TO DO SOME ARTICLES, A SERIES OF ARTICLES ON HIM.
I'M JUST GONNA TOSS THAT, LIKE THAT, YEAH.
AND, UM, THE PROBLEM WAS, IS THAT, UH, HE HAD NO INTEREST.
HE'S A LITTLE BIT MEDIA, UH, AND TRUTH AVERSE, AND IT TOOK ME FIVE YEARS TO BREAK INTO HIS WORLD, AND THAT MEANT, UH, DEALING WITH HIS CRYPTIC EMAILS, SOLVING OBSCURE MATH PROBLEMS, AND THEN FINALLY BEING INVITED TO COME DOWN TO RUN, WHICH THIS WILL BE.
UH, IN THE CHAPTER HERE, UH, HIS LATEST CREATION, WHICH IS CALLED A, A BACKYARD ULTRA CREATED IN HIS BACKYARD.
YOU RUN FOUR MILES IN AN HOUR, IT'S A LOOP.
YOU RUN THE LOOP AROUND HIS HOUSE, FOUR MILE LOOP EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR TILL THERE'S NO ONE LEFT, BUT ONE LAST RUNNER STANDING.
NOT REALLY MY THING
AND THIS BOOK THAT, UM, IS SET TO BE PUBLISHED, I'M SORRY, SET TO COME OUT IN SEPTEMBER.
IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF I HADN'T GONE DOWN THERE.
SO THIS IS CHAPTER THREE WHERE I GO DOWN THERE AND IT'S TITLED DIE ON THE COURSE.
I PULLED INTO BELL BUCKLE POPULATION 3 99, LATE ON AN OCTOBER AFTERNOON TO FIND IT ALIVE.
NOT BUSTLING, NOT BUSY, JUST ALIVE.
AND THAT SMALL TOWN APPLE PIE WAY WHERE YOU HALF EXPECT THE LOCAL SHERIFF TO BE WHITTLING A STICK ON THE CORNER, AN OLD MAN AND OVERALLS READ A PAPER BESIDE A MURAL OF AN ANIMATED RC COLA AND A FRESHLY PAINTED RED CABOOSE SAT IN A PARKING LOT ACROSS FROM AN OLD TIMEY GENERAL STORE.
NATURALLY, EVERYONE SAID HI AS IF THEY HAD KNOWN YOU YOUR WHOLE LIFE, BUT THE LADY MAKING MY ICE LATTE SMI SMILED POLITELY AND SHOOK HER HEAD.
SHE HAD NEVER HEARD OF LAZARUS LAKE, GARY KENTRELL OR THE BARKLEY MARATHONS.
TAYLOR SWIFT AT THE BARREL BUCKLE CAFE GAVE ME THE SAME BLANK STARE.
WHEN I ASKED WHERE SHE WAS FROM, SHE SAID RIGHT HERE.
I STILL WASN'T SURE WHAT L EXPECTED OF ME.
UH, SINCE BECOMING A FULL-TIME RIDER, I WAS MOSTLY A THREE MILE A DAY, ONLY WHEN THE WEATHER'S NICE, FEEL GOOD RUNNER.
ARRIVING AT MY ANTEBELLUM B AND B, I LAID OUT MY RUNNING GEAR ON THE FLOOR IN THE SHAPE OF A BODY AND GLANCED AT MY PHONE.
LAZARUS PLACE WAS 10 MINUTES AWAY.
INITIALLY, THE ROAD OUTTA TOWN WAS LINED WITH RESTORED VICTORIAN HOMES, ALL GINGERBREAD TRIM AND PASTEL PAINT THAT QUICKLY GAVE WAY TO MORE MODEST HOUSING AND ONE GOT A CLEARER SENSE OF A PER CAPITA INCOME.
JUST ABOVE THE POVERTY LINE, THE OCCASIONAL TRAILER AND ABANDONED HOUSE PEAKED FROM THE SHADOWS.
AS THE ROADS SWERVED INTO NATIVE FOREST AND ROLLING LIMESTONE, POCK, FIELDS, OAKS, AND MAPLES FLARED WITH BURSTS OF YELLOW AND RED.
IT WAS THE TIME OF YEAR WHEN AS A BOY I WOULD CAMP WITH MY FATHER ALONG A CREEK IN SOUTHERN TENNESSEE.
THE DAYS WERE MILD, BUT THE KNIGHTS HAD THE BITE OF APPROACHING WINTER, A FLEETING SEASON WHEN THE AIR FELT CLEAN AND CHARGED AROUND A CORNER.
AN OPENING APPEARED WHERE A SMATTERING OF TENTS SAT HUNCHED AGAINST A SCREEN OF TREES BETWEEN THEM, A GRAVEL DRIVEWAY SNAKED UP A HILL AND VANISHED.
THERE WAS A STONE MAILBOX BUILT WITHOUT MORTAR AND FLUTTERING ALONG A ROW OF BARRICADES WITH THE BRIGHT FLAGS OF MEXICO, CAMBODIA, SWEDEN, AND A DOZEN MORE.
AND AN OLD MAN WITH A FARMER'S CAP WAS METICULOUSLY TYING ON ANOTHER.
HE WAS A HIGHLY ASYMMETRICAL FIGURE, BIG HEAD BULGING BELLY, AND A WALT WHITMAN BEARD.
THE COLOR OF GRITS, HIS FLANNEL JACKET, BLACK AND RED CHECK LOOKED SO THOROUGHLY LIVED IN.
I IMAGINED AN ASH FROM HIS CIGARETTE DROPPING ON IT AND THE OLD MAN SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTING.
I INTRODUCED MYSELF WITH A NICE COLD DR.
PEPPER, HIS FAVORITE STILL DRIPPING FROM THE SLUSH OF MY COOLER.
YOU MUST BE THE ALABAMA VERSION.
HIS GREEN EYES SHIFTED BEHIND WIRE ROOM GLASSES ALIVE AND DEVIOUS.
ONE MOMENT, SLEEPY AND AMBIENT.
HE LAUGHED AND SAID HE KNEW A RUNNER WITH THE SAME NAME, BUT FROM A GOOD STATE.
HIS ACCENT WAS SURPRISING FROM MANY PLACES.
ONLY VARNISHED WITH SOUTHERN, HE LIMPED OVER TO AN ASHY FIRE PIT AND RESTED HIS FOOT ON A STONE.
LITTLE HE BARKED AND A SMALL JACK RUSSELL WHITE AND SPECKLED WITH BLACK SPOTS DARTED OUT OF THE WOODS.
SHE LIKES TO GET INTO THINGS SHE DOESN'T NEED TO.
HE COOED IN A GRAVELLY VOICE AND SHE EATS POOP.
HER COUNTERPART NUMBERED DOWN THE DRIVEWAY.
A LARGE 14-YEAR-OLD PIT BULL NAMED BIG, A SACK OF FLESH THE SIZE OF A PINEAPPLE SWUNG FROM
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HIS ABDOMEN.THEY'RE BOTH WELL PAST THEIR EXPIRATION DATES.
HE SAID, TURNING BACK AND SMILING DEEP INTO MY EYES.
IT WAS THE KIND OF LOOK THAT MADE ME WONDER IF HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF.
OH ME, HE GROANED, CRACKING OPEN THE CAN OF DR.
HOW FAR ARE YOU GONNA GO TOMORROW? I SHRUGGED.
THE LITTLE VOICE IN MY HEAD WAS ALREADY NEGOTIATING.
WELL, HE SAID HIS EYES BACK ON BIG STUDYING HIM.
YOU CAN GO FARTHER THAN YOU THINK YOU CAN.
DAWN CAME WITH A SMELL OF COFFEE AND CEDAR FLOATING ON A CHILI BREEZE.
ALL EYES WERE ON L CIGARETTE GLOWING BETWEEN HIS LIPS.
A CATTLE PROD AND COWBELL GRIPPED IN EACH HAND.
HE BLEW A LONG PLUME OF SMOKE TOWARD A DIGITAL TIMER AND WINCED AT THE RED.
60 OF US WERE GATHERED IN HIS DRIVEWAY.
SOME STOOD MOTIONLESS ON THE GRAVEL ARMS, AKIMBO WILD STARES ON THEIR FACES LIKE THEY COULD RUN FOR DAYS.
THEY WERE TEACHERS, ENGINEERS, MOMS, DADS.
BUT I KNEW ENOUGH TO KNOW THEY WERE ABOUT TO MORPH INTO SOMETHING ELSE.
HARD, NOSE, HARD, GUTTED TYPES WHO WOULDN'T LET CRUSHED ARCHES AND HALLUCINATIONS OR DELIRIUM AND IN GENERAL GET IN THE WAY OF A GOOD TIME.
IT'S NOT ABOUT WINNING OR EVEN FINISHING.
IT'S WILL YOU QUIT BETWEEN LOOPS OR WILL YOU DIE ON THE COURSE? I'M A WRITER WHO RUNS.
I BLURTED OUT TO THE LADY STANDING BESIDE ME, HOPING TO GET A SMILE OR A LAUGH.
ANYTHING TO COOL THE MAGMA POOL RISING MY STOMACH.
SHE HAD THE HARDENED GLARE OF AN EMT WITH BLONDE HAIR PULLED SO TIGHT INTO A PONYTAIL THAT IT STRETCHED HER EYES INTO SLITS.
WHAT I MEAN IS I'M NOT A RUNNER WHO WRITES YOU.
YOU KNOW L WOULD GET IT, BUT HE WOULDN'T CARE.
FOR A DANNY 25 YEARS COACHING KIDS BASKETBALL HAD HIM ALWAYS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE ARCHETYPE.
THIS HE CALLED A DANNY, NOT BIG, NOT FAST, NOT NECESSARILY TALENTED, JUST A TOUGH NUT.
WHO WANTS IT MORE THAN YOU DO? THIS WHOLE BACKYARD CONCEPT.
THE COMMON MAN'S BARKLEY, HE CALLED IT WITH A LAST PUFF.
HE RANG THE BELL LIKE A COWBOY DINNER AND SCREECH HAPPY TIME.
WE TRIED IT ONTO A COUNTRY ROAD AND DOWN IT WENT LIKE A SLIDE.
OUR HARD TRAIL SHOES ON THE CHORUS, LIKE A CHORUS OF THUMPETY THUMP AS WE BOUNDED DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL.
BOUNDING AND CHATTING AND BREATHING IN THE BITING COLD.
A SLOW STAMPEDE AROUND A TURNED AROUND MARKER.
THEN WE WERE BACK UP TO WHERE WE STARTED, BUT WE HADN'T TRULY STARTED.
THIS LITTLE OUT AND BACK ON THE ROAD WAS DESIGNED TO FIND US OUT FOR THE REAL COURSE, THE TRAIL, THE ROCK LADEN TWISTY HEELED TRAIL IN THE WOODS BEHIND HIS HOUSE.
THE RATTLESNAKES WERE ASLEEP THIS TIME OF YEAR.
HE ASSURED US, BUT YOU DON'T WANNA BE OUT THERE WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN.
HE STOOD IN THE SAME SPOT AS WE PASSED HIS OPEN MOUTH TURNED UP AT THE CORNERS, HIS EYES PEELED, SOAKING UP OUR TREPIDATION.
I LOOKED BACK TO SEE HIM FALL IN BEHIND US WITH HIS STICK OVER HIS HEAD.
AN INFLATED TUBE ARCHED OVER THE TIMING MAT.
HE HAD DUCT TAPE A MAKESHIFT SIGN OVER IT WHERE IT USUALLY SAID START FINISH IT NOW SAID THERE IS NO FINISH ON THE TRAILS.
MY EYES SCAN A THREE FOOT CONE IN FRONT OF ME, A FALL AT THE WRONG TIME.
AND YOUR FACE IS ON A SERRATED EDGE OF A CAR SIZE ROCK.
I JUMPED THROUGH A TREE THAT'S BUILT LIKE A TUNING FORK, DANCE ACROSS A LIMESTONE GAUNTLET OF ERODED CAVES AND COME TO A HALT AT A HAIR PRINT.
TURN A SIGN WITH A CROOKED ARROW.
POINTS THE WAY, BUT THE WRITING IS IN PORTUGUESE.
WHY I WOULD LATER ASK HIM, WHY NOT? HE'D REPLIED,
BACK DOWN THE HILL, BACK UP TO THE ARCH BY LI NESTLE BEHIND A CLUMP OF RUNNERS.
I HAD NEVER FELT SO ASHAMED TO RUN.
IT WAS LIKE THROWING A FOOTBALL IN FRONT OF NICK SABAN TWICE A TOE.
STUBER SENDS ME REELING WITH AN OOMPH AND LEAVES MY IN THE AIR, LEAVES MY BODY.
I HIT THE GROUND THE FIRST TIME.
HEADFIRST IN A NEAT TUCK AND ROLL.
THE ONLY THING THAT I'D REALLY CARRIED OVER FROM ACTING SCHOOL.
THE SECOND WAS A FULL YARD SALE IN THE SYMPATHETIC EYES OF THE RUNNER WHO FINDS ME.
GELS AND WATER FLA SCATTERED ABOUT DIRT.
DIRT SMUDGED ON MY REDDENING FACE.
BUT NOW THE WAR BEGINS THE WAR WITH THE VOICE.
THE LITTLE MAN INSIDE WITH THE AXES WHO CONVINCES ME.
YOU'VE ALREADY DONE MORE THAN A HALF MARATHON AROUND A TWIST.
LZ APPEARS FROM A STAND OF BRUSH MAN.
HE SAYS IN A BOOMING VOICE, YOU ARE SLOW
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I GRIT OUT ANOTHER LIP AND COLLAPSED INTO MY LITTLE CORNER OF CAMP.HE'S RECLINED IN AN ERGONOMIC CHAIR SURROUNDED BY DOZENS OF LABELED PLASTIC CONTAINERS.
HE SAYS HIS SMILE A COOL BREEZE AND WE'LL BE FINE.
HIS CREW, A PERSON HANDS HIM A STEAMING CUP OF SOUP, WAFTING UP SMELLS OF ROSEMARY AND ROASTED TOMATO.
I PRY OPEN MY FADED EIGHTIES PICNIC COOLER AND SCARFED TURKEY COLD CUTS OUT OF THE PACK.
WHERE THE HELL DID THE MINUTES GO? EACH TIME I RETURN, MY WOBBLY LAWN CHAIR FEELS MORE AND MORE LIKE A BOXING CORNER.
THE BELL, THE WHISTLE COMING FASTER AND FASTER, MORE LOOPS.
IT'S NOW A HOT NOON AND MY BODY IS IN REBELLION.
THE GIANT LATTE I HAD FOR BREAKFAST IS RUMBLING IN MY GUT LIKE A WASHER, A FULL BONK IS ON OR COMING.
AND I START TO DISLIKE THIS OLD MAN STANDING THERE WITH HIS SMIRK, HIS TAUNTING CIGARETTE IN HIS DAMN DR.
I SHAKE MY HEAD THINKING ABOUT HOW HE DESCRIBED IT.
IT'S A GOOD OLD TIMEY BACKYARD.
HE WROTE THE KIND YOUR MAMA USED TO TELL YOU ABOUT.
TWEET THE WHISTLE GLINT BETWEEN HIS LIPS.
I THINK MY TRAILS USE A THUDDING ON THE ROAD NOW SKIDDING AND THUDDING AND SKIDDING.
WHEN I GET TO THE TOP OF THE HILL, THE OLD MAN'S NOT THERE.
I PAUSE UNDER THE ARCH, I SCAN THE AREA, THEN I SNEAK BEHIND MY TENT THERE I COLLAPSE INTO THE PLASTIC COMFORT OF MY CHAIR.
THE WEIGHT OF FIVE PEOPLE LEAVES MY BODY, MY LIFE, MY DOG, MY WIFE.
EVEN STUPID WORRIES ABOUT THE STUPID POLITICAL CLIMATE COME FLOODING BACK LIKE A WARM SHOT OF HEROIN ASHAMED TO FACE.
LI PACKED UP BEFORE HE REAPPEARED AND ESCAPED LIKE A CRIMINAL.
AND MY CAR, MY LEGS ACHED AND MY MIND SWIRLED.
THE ROAD STRETCHED UP A HILL TOWARD THE HORIZON IN THE VOICE.
THE SAME LITTLE BASTARD THAT CONVINCED ME TO STOP WAS BACK.
THESE WERE REAL RUNNERS IN MY PROTOTYPES.
I SAID OUT LOUD, I HAD DEADLINES.
YES, I COULD HAVE DONE ONE MORE LOOP.
SO WHY DID YOU QUIT WHEN YOU DID THEN? I PICKED AT THAT QUESTION LIKE A SCAB.
WHATEVER THE OLD MAN'S TEST WAS, I'D MOST CERTAINLY FAILED.
BASICALLY ALL I HAD DONE WAS SHOW UP.
I ROLLED DOWN THE WINDOWS AND LET THE TENNESSEE AIR SLAP AT MY FACE.
THE SCENT OF PINE AND THE FRESHLY TILLED EARTH.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE SMELL OF THE AIR YOU GREW UP WITH THAT REACHES DEEP INSIDE YOU.
IT SEEPS THROUGH THE CRACKS IN THE WALL AND INTO THE BURIED PARTS.
LI REALIZED HAD NEVER SAID A WORD TO ME ABOUT RUNNING AT ALL, EVER.
IF HIS CREATIONS WEREN'T ABOUT RUNNING, THEN WHAT A RUSH OF ACID CREPT UP MY ESOPHAGUS.
THAT THOUGHT HUNG IN THE AIR, HEAVY AND SILENT.
AS RAINDROPS BEGAN TO TAP AND BOUNCE AND BEAD ON THE WINDSHIELD.
THE SOUND WAS SOFT AT FIRST AND HARDER.
DID I BACK OFF LIKE THAT WITH MY WRITING TOO HOME IN NEW YORK? I SLEEP, WALKED INTO ANTOINETTE'S AND SLOUCHED INTO A CHAIR BENEATH EL GRAND UDAN, HOUDINI.
I SCROLLED THROUGH MY EMAILS AND STOPPED.
WHEN I CAME TO ONE FROM LAS, I HESITATED HOVERING A FEVER FINGER JUST ABOVE THE PAD ON MY SURFACE PROBE.
THE PC WAS BRAND NEW, A GIFT FROM MY WIFE TO HELP ME BE MORE PRODUCTIVE, BUT I LEFT IT SITTING THERE.
I CLICKED A MESSAGE AND WAS NOW PACING AROUND THE BLOCK, STARING DOWN THE HILL AT THE HUDSON, OOZING BY I'M A CRIMINAL.
LAZ WROTE IN HIS USUAL ALL LURE CASE STYLE, OBSESSED WITH WINNERS AND LOSERS, BUT IT ALSO INCLUDED A PRESS PASS FOR NEXT YEAR'S BARKLEY AND BIG'S BACK YOUR BACKYARD WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HOW THE BIG DOGS DO IT, HE WENT ON.
YOU WON'T FIND TWO RACES, MORE DIFFERENT MAN VERSUS MOUNTAIN AND MAN VERSUS HIMSELF.
THE BARKLEY IS A TEST OF CAN YOU DO IT? THE BACKYARD IS WHETHER YOU WILL DO IT.
RELIEVED TO FIND MY COMPUTER STILL THERE.
I WROTE HIM BACK AND SAID I WAS DOWN THAT AS LONG AS I WASN'T RUNNING THE BARKLEY, IT SHOULD BE A GLORIFIED CAMPING TRIP.
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IT'LL BE CAMPING.ALL RIGHT, LAST SHOT BACK WITH A STICK IN YOUR EYE.
NOW I KNOW WHAT HE'S BEEN WRITING IN THE CORNER OF ANTOINETTE'S ALL THESE TIME.
UM, SO I'M VERY EXCITED TO INTRODUCE OUR NEXT, UH, POET, IRENE POETRY OR FICTION.
OKAY, SO I WOULD LIKE, I'VE BEEN INVITING JENNIFER TO COME FOR YEARS.
UM, SHE'S NEVER BEEN AVAILABLE, BUT SHE WAS THIS YEAR TO OUR GREAT GOOD FORTUNE.
JENNIFER GOODRICH'S SHORT FICTION HAS APPEARED IN THE LOS ANGELES REVIEW.
AND CHELSEA, SHE WORKS AS THE US ASSISTANT EDITOR FOR THE DARK HORSE POETRY JOURNAL WHERE SHE HAS PUBLISHED SEVERAL CRITICAL ESSAYS.
JENNIFER, JENNIFER WILL READ FROM HER SHORT STORY AN APOLOGY, WHICH FEATURES JESS LYNDON, AN EMPTY NESTER, ATTENDING HER 35TH COLLEGE REUNION, UNEXPECTEDLY ENCOUNTERING A FORMER BOYFRIEND.
SHE FINDS HER PAST COLLIDING WITH HER PRESENT.
PLEASE WELCOME JENNIFER GOODRICH.
SO AS BARB SAID, I'LL BE READING FROM AN APOLOGY, UM, THE BEGINNING AND TOWARD THE END OF THE STORY.
THERE WILL BE, UH, CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? YEAH.
SO, UM, ANYWAY, THERE'LL BE PAUSES AND THE PAUSES WILL SIGNAL FLASHBACKS IN THE STORY.
I REMEMBERED THIS EATING HALL GRAND AND IMPOSING, BUT COULDN'T HAVE DESCRIBED IT ANY MORE PRECISELY THAN THAT.
NOT BACK WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, OR EVEN NOW.
REUNION OLD WAS THE BEST I COULD DO WITH THE LOFTY TUDOR LIKE INTERIOR.
ITS NARROW LEADED GLASS WINDOWS AND CATHEDRAL-LIKE MUSTINESS.
BESIDES I JUST GLIMPSED AN OLD COLLEGE BOYFRIEND, ADAM SHRINER, TALL AS EVER, IF NOT QUITE AS HANDSOME, HE'D MADE A SERIOUS MISTAKE IN CUTTING HIS HAIR TOO SHORT ON THE SIDES, GIVING HIS LONG THIN HEAD A HERMAN MONSTROUS CAST OVER THEIR JESS ELLEN, ONE OF MY TWO BEST FRIENDS FROM COLLEGE UNNECESSARILY ALERTED ME AVOIDANCE STRATEGY.
I SAID THOUGH I WAS ANYTHING BUT I WORE ITALIAN SILK SHOES FROM A THRIFT SHOP, GRAY TIGHTS AND A DRESS STRIATED WITH FALL COLORS, ALL IN THE HOPES OF CONVEYING STYLE AND CONFIDENCE.
I COULDN'T SHAKE THE SENSATION THOUGH THAT I WAS A FREAK ON DISPLAY, TRYING TOO HARD.
PLUNGED BACK INTO THE SKIN OF THE GIRL WHO'D LIVED ON THIS CAMPUS, ATE IN THIS HALL AND DATED THAT BOY.
I REMEMBERED SOAKING IN A HOT TUB AT HIS MOTHER'S HOME NEAR BOULDER AND HOW SHE WAS A DEVOTEE OF THE BOGAN SHRI RAJANI WHO HAD AN ARMY OF FOLLOWERS, A FLEET OF ROLLS ROYCES AND A CULT COMPOUND IN OREGON.
ADAM'S MOM LED A GROUP OF COLORADO BOGANS AND DIED HER GARMENTS, THE COLOR OF THE SETTING SUN.
ADAM HAD SAID HE COULD PUT HIS, COULDN'T PUT HIS CLOTHES IN THE WASHER BECAUSE THE ORANGE DYE DIED INTO THE CREVICES AND SEEPED INTO THE FABRIC.
A STORY I BELIEVED AT THE TIME.
I REMEMBERED MELTING INTO THE HOT TUB INTO HIM, A LIQUID MERGING.
A FREE SPIRIT LIKE HIS MOM WHO RAN MORNING MOVING MEDITATIONS WITH NAKED PEOPLE IN HER LIVING ROOM, EMPTIED A FURNITURE.
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT NOW A MINUTE, A YEAR, 35 YEARS LATER, JUST SEEING HIM SET OFF AN ELECTRIFIED PANIC OF AVOIDANCE DESPITE HAVING RAISED A SON WHO HAD JUST STARTED COLLEGE? I WONDERED IF I EVER REALLY GREW UP
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RAW AND CONSPICUOUS IN MY NEW DRESS.I TRIED TO AVOID HIS EYES AS HE GLANCED IN MY DIRECTION.
HE STOOD TOWERING OVER A CLUSTER OF CLASSMATES.
I RECOGNIZED AS OLD FRAT BROTHERS NOW IN SUITS INSTEAD OF T-SHIRTS.
AND I REMEMBERED HOW I USED TO STAND ON HIS FEET TO KISS HIM.
HIS GRIN DOMINATED HIS NARROW FACE IN AN EXAGGERATED U SHAPE.
THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING SWEET, GENUINELY AMUSED ABOUT IT.
NOW MY MOUTH PARCHED ALREADY FROM THE DRY MOUNTAIN CLIMATE, TASTED LIKE BURNT COFFEE WITH CURDLED MILK I WATCHED FROM THE CORNER OF MY EYE AS HE ENTERED THE DINING ROOM, HE WORE A CR THOUGHT UNLIKE ANY OTHER PERSON THERE.
WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WAS TRYING TO SAY WITH THAT.
MAYBE AS A REPUBLICAN OF THE COUNTRY CLUB VARIETY, HE WANTED TO HOLD ONTO THE GRAND OLD PLAN.
I WONDERED AT ASKED ADAM'S COSTUME OF PRIVILEGE BOLD EVEN FOR A FINANCIER TO FLAUNT SUCH A THROWBACK UPPER CLASS.
LOOK, I I'D HEARD HE'D BECOME SOME KIND OF FINANCIAL ADVISOR, AND I WONDERED IF HE'D LED ANY CLIENTS DOWN PATHS TO RUINATION.
THE THOUGHT MADE ME DIZZY OR MAYBE IT WAS JUST DEHYDRATION.
I EXCUSED MYSELF FROM ELLEN AND ALLIE, MY OTHER BEST FRIEND FROM COLLEGE AND HEADED FOR THE LADIES' ROOM BEFORE FACING THE DINING HALL WITH ITS LOFTY CEILINGS.
ITS CHANDELIERS, CASTING, DIM AND UNFLATTERING LIGHT.
I LAY ON THE SLAB OF MY DORM BED WITH A FEVER OF 102.
IT WAS THE DAY OF THE SIGMA KAI FORMAL, AND ADAM, OF COURSE, HAD INVITED ME.
I'D ATTENDED OTHER BROADMOOR DANCES AND LOVED THE WORLD OF SENSATIONS.
THE LIVE BAND PLAYING OLD SWING STANDARDS, THE CHANDELIERS, CASTING ALCHEMICAL LIGHT.
EVERY DETAIL TRANSFORMED INTO SOMETHING SWANKY.
THE GILDED EDGES OF MIRRORS, A BLINKING CHAMPAGNE GLASS, THE SWISH OF A GOWN OR DASH OF A SMILE.
ALI HAD JUST GIVEN ME A SET OF THREE F SCOTT FITZGERALD NOVELS, THIS SIDE OF PARADISE GATSBY AND THE BEAUTIFUL AND DAMNED.
AND AS A SMALL TOWN MOUNTAIN GIRL DREAMING OF SOPHISTICATION, I FOUND EVEN THEIR DOOM ALLURING.
ADAM EXPRESSED SYMPATHY, BUT HE SAID HE'D INVITE HIS ROOMMATE'S EX-GIRLFRIEND IF I COULDN'T MANAGE.
SO I DAWNED MY LAVENDER DRESS, SYNTHETIC CLINGY, CHEAP IN RETROSPECT, AND DANCED IN A DELIRIUM ALMOST COLLAPSING INTO ADAM'S TOLERANT ARMS. I COULD TELL ADAM WAS WORRIED ABOUT ME, BUT ALSO ANNOYED HIS U-SHAPED SMILE PINCHED DOWN A BIT.
MY FAKE CHEER COULDN'T COVER UP THE FACT THAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN MY DORM ROOM DRUGGED TO SLEEP ON COLD MEDICINE.
SOMETIMES YOU REMIND ME OF A LITTLE KID HE'D ONCE SAID WHEN WE WERE MAKING OUT IN HIS FRAT BEDROOM, HE HAD A LOWER BUNK WITH A CURTAIN FOR PRIVACY AND COZY.
IN THIS DARK LITTLE RETREAT, I DARED TO RECITE A POEM I'D WRITTEN ABOUT HIM, CRINGE WORTHY IN RETROSPECT, TALL AND BRAVE AND DRESSED IN BLACK.
HE WAVED THE STARS BEHIND HIS BACK.
DOVE LIKE DIAMONDS FLY BY NIGHT.
WORDS WHISPERED BY CANDLELIGHT SO BAD.
I TRIED TO FA NONCHALANCE AS I ENTERED THE DINING HALL.
ELLEN, LIKE A BODYGUARD AT MY SHOULDER.
NOW A SENIOR PARTNER IN AN ALBUQUERQUE LAW FIRM ELLEN BALANCED, DETERMINED CONFIDENCE WITH A LADYLIKE CHARM AND DEALT EXPERTLY WITH AWKWARD SITUATIONS.
SO DID ALI, WHO IS A LATIN TEACHER AT A SEATTLE PREP SCHOOL, COPED WITH ENDLESS STUDENT MISCHIEF IN MANEUVERING THOUGH DIMINUTIVE AND PREMATURELY GRAY, SHE PREVAILED WITH A YOUTHFUL IRONIC WIT ACROSS THE ROOM.
SHE NOW JUMPED TO HER FEET, MOTIONING US TO THE BIG ROUND TABLE CLAIMED BY THE OLD GANG, A CLUSTER OF SIGMA, KAIS, AND A FEW SORORITY GIRLS.
THOUGH ALLIE, ELLEN AND I NEVER WENT GREEK.
THIS SCENE HAD STILL DEFINED US SOCIALLY.
NOW WE JOKED AND TEASED EACH OTHER
[00:30:01]
ABOUT HOW MUCH WE CHANGED OR HADN'T, BUT WE ALL LOOKED OLDER THAN WE EVER THOUGHT WE'D BE IN SOME CASES SHOCKINGLY SO I COULD EASILY TRANSPOSE MY FRIENDS BACK IN TIME AND SEE THROUGH LOST AND GRAYING HAIR, MARIONETTE LINES, CROW'S FEET AND WEIGHT GAINS TO OUR YOUNGER, FRESHER SELVES.ONLY ONE PLACE WAS LEFT, WAS LEFT OPEN AT OUR TABLE.
ELLEN WHISPERED AS ADAM APPROACHED AND SAT THREE SEATS AWAY FROM ME.
HE ACTED, ASTONISHED, JERKING HIS NECK BACK AND BLINKING IN A WAY THAT REMINDED ME OF WHEN I FIRST MET HIM AND THOUGHT HE SEEMED MECHANICAL, REMOTE CONTROLLED AS IF LIVING IN HIS TALL, LANKY BODY OVERWHELMED HIS NEUROLOGICAL SYSTEM.
I WAS ALSO REMINDED OF HOW THE SUMMER BETWEEN FRESHMAN AND SOPHOMORE YEARS, HE'D MOVED TO SANTA BARBARA TO HANG OUT ON THE BEACH AND SELL CUTCO KNIVES DOOR TO DOOR.
HE'D SENT ME A PHOTO OF HIMSELF, AN ARTFUL BLACK AND WHITE, EIGHT BY 10, A BEAUTIFIC BEACH BUM IN A PUCA SHELL NECKLACE.
NOW HE ROSE, ALWAYS THE GENTLEMAN, AND I STOOD TO HUG HIM.
YOU LOOK AS LOVELY AS EVER, HE SAID.
AND I FLUSHED WITH RELIEF, A SUSPICION HE WAS FIBBING, AN EMBARRASSMENT THAT THIS WOULD STILL MATTER.
I WANTED TO RETURN THE COMPLIMENT, BUT I COULDN'T HONESTLY.
'CAUSE THE MUNSTER HAIRCUT WASN'T DOING MUCH FOR HIM.
SO I JUST PRESSED MY PALMS INTO THE NAMASTE PRAYER AND BOWED MY DEFAULT RESPONSE TO COMPLIMENTS.
I SAT BACK DOWN ALLY AND ELLEN, THE BUFFERS BETWEEN US.
LATER WHEN WE ROSE TO FILL OUR PLATES FROM THE BUFFET, I ONCE AGAIN SUCCESSFULLY DODGED ADAM SHRINER, THOUGH HYPER AWARE OF HIS HUCK HUCK BEHIND ME.
I WONDERED IF HE ALWAYS LAUGHED LIKE A HAY SEEDED.
EVEN IN HIGH LEVEL MEETINGS, WE RETURNED TO THE TABLE AND TIRED OF AVOIDING HIS EYES.
I HEAR YOU'RE A NEW YORKER NOW.
HE SAID, SEEMS I'LL BE FOLLOWING YOU EAST NEXT WEEK SHE'LL BE IN TELLURIDE.
WHY MY HUSBAND'S TEACHING A WORKSHOP THERE.
I'D MUCH RATHER BE GOING TO TELLURIDE.
ADAM SAID, I'VE NEVER HAD ANY INTEREST IN NEW YORK CITY.
SO YOU'RE GOING BECAUSE A CONFERENCE.
HE SAID SO DISMISSIVELY THAT I DIDN'T TRY TO FOLLOW UP.
I JUST STARTED CUTTING MY STAKE, WHICH WAS SO TOUGH OR I WAS SO SHAKEN THAT MY KNIFE FLEW RIGHT OUT OF MY HAND AND LANDED ON THE FLOOR.
LIKE NOTHING WAS OUT OF THE ORDINARY AND EVERYONE GRACIOUSLY LOOKED AWAY.
WE ALL HAD LONG MEMORIES AND NOBODY HAD FORGOTTEN WHAT HAPPENED SENIOR YEAR WHEN ADAM AND I BROKE UP FOR THE SECOND AND LAST TIME.
SO NOW I'M GOING TO SKIP FORWARD TO THE END OF THE STORY TO JESS.
REMEMBERING THIS BREAKUP AS WE'D DRIVEN BACK TO CAMPUS IN STRANGE SILENCE THAT DAY I'D UNDERSTOOD THAT SOMETHING HAD ROTTED BETWEEN US.
OUR GOODBYE PROVED A RELIEF TO KISS ADAM ON THE CHEEK AND NO LONGER BREATHE THAT SHARED CARRY AND AIR.
I THOUGHT THEN THAT THE RELATIONSHIP WOULD JUST TACITLY SLIP AWAY.
I THOUGHT WE'D MOVE ON TO NEW PEOPLE, PLACES POST-COLLEGE LIVES.
I KNOW NOW THAT IT WAS REALLY THE AUTHORS.
I SAID MY DEEPEST GOODBYES TO THAT AFTERNOON SENSING THAT I'D NEVER HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE TO KNOW THEM AS WELL.
READ THEM AS DEEPLY OR DESCRIBE FOR INSTANCE, HOW COLOR IMAGERY PLAYED SUCH A ROLE IN THE RHYME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER WITH THROATS UNLACED WITH BLACK LIPS BAKED.
I LAY ON MY BED BELOW A BANK OF FRENCH WINDOW PANES THAT LET THE COLD IN.
I DUCT TAPED THE CRACKS, WHICH HADN'T HELPED MUCH ECCENTRICALLY.
I'D CHOSEN THIS ROOM IN THE APARTMENT, A SECOND FLOOR SPREAD THAT ELLEN, ALLIE AND I HAD RENTED OUR SENIOR YEAR.
MY LAIR WAS PART OF A RICKETY TACKED ON ADDITION TO THE OLD HOUSE ON KLA.
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CATCH THE POODLE STREET.WE JOKED LONG, NARROW AND A FEW STEPS DOWN FROM THE REST OF THE APARTMENT.
THE ROOM'S CONTENT SHRANK INTO THE MARGINALLY INHABITABLE.
THE FURNITURE MINIATURIZED PANELING, CHEAP BATHROOM, TICKY TACKY.
I LOVED IT LIKE A SANCTUARY THOUGH.
SO I WAS STARTLED THAT AFTERNOON BY THE KNOCK ON MY DOOR.
NO ONE EVER SOUGHT ME BACK THERE EXCEPT ALLIE AND ALAN AND THEY WOULD'VE JUST YELLED, HELLO? I LEAPT UP FINGER COMBINING MY HAIR.
ALI OR ELLEN MUST HAVE LET HIM IN, BUT I COULDN'T IMAGINE WHAT BROUGHT HIM.
MY FIRST INSTINCT WAS TO BE FLATTERED.
DESPITE HAVING RELEGATED HIM FIRMLY TO MY PAST, HE STEPPED DOWN INTO MY SPACE A BIT HUNCHED, WELCOME TO MY HOBBIT HOLE.
I SAID, NOT SURE IF HE'D EVER VISITED ME THERE.
I GESTURED TO MY DESK CHAIR AND HE SAT FITTING BETTER FACING HIM FROM MY INDIA PRINT BEDSPREAD LEGS CROSSED IN A LOOSE LOTUS.
I TRIED TO READ HIS EXPRESSION, WHICH SEEMED FRIENDLY ENOUGH.
HOW HAVE YOU MANAGED LIVING HERE? HE ASKED THIS ROOM'S ABOUT TO FALL INTO THE ALLEY.
LOOK, I JUST CAME TO TELL YOU SOMETHING I REALIZED ON OUR TRIP.
YOU NEED TO KNOW SO THERE'S NO MISUNDERSTANDING.
LOOK, HE STRETCHED HIS MOUTH SIDEWAYS IN AN APOLOGETIC WAY.
I JUST DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE.
HE SEEMED RUEFUL BUT RELIEVED FOR MY PART.
I LOST ALL POWER OF HONEST EXPRESSION.
SUDDENLY A STILTED ACTRESS, I RECITED PLEASANTRIES.
WELL, GOOD LUCK ANYWAY IN YOUR LIFE.
NONE OF MY POETS HELPED ME THEN.
NO HIGH WORDS OF RAGE OR SOLACE OR DESPAIR HELPED ME RISE TO THIS OCCASION.
I JUST JERKED OUT A FEW MORE PHRASES.
MY CHEERFUL FACADE INTACT UNTIL ADAM ROSE.
WE SHOOK HANDS AND HE RETREATED UP MY STEPS LIKE A HANDSOME HUNCHBACK.
UM, OUR NEXT READER IS KIRSTEN.
I DON'T KNOW HOW PRONOUNCING YOUR LAST NAME.
UM, KIRSTEN, UH, HAS A BA AND AN MFA IN SCREENWRITING FROM COLUMBIA.
AND HER WRITING MOST RECENTLY APPEARED IN SAD GIRL DIARIES.
I CANNOT PRONOUNCE THIS, SO I'LL LET YOU DO THAT.
AND WAS ALSO A NEW MILLENNIUM WRITING AWARDS FINALIST AND A GLIMMER TRAIN.
HONORABLE MENTION, HER SHORT FILMS HAVE BEEN SELECTED FOR FESTIVALS AND WON CHALLENGES.
SHE LIVES IN HASTINGS ON HUDSON, WHERE SHE'S WORKING ON A BOOK ABOUT A GIRL WHO REBELS AGAINST EXPULSION FROM A BALLET ACADEMY FOR BEING OVERWEIGHT.
UM, I PICKED THIS STORY BECAUSE THE RECENT MASS FIRINGS OF FEDERAL WORKERS UPSET ME AND GOT ME THINKING ABOUT THE PART OF MY CHILDHOOD I SPENT IN AFRICA AND WASHINGTON, DC WHERE MY PARENTS AND MOST OF THEIR PEERS WORKED AT GOVERNMENT JOBS.
A LOT LIKE THE ONES THAT ARE BEING SPL, SLASHED JOBS, PROMOTING EDUCATION, PUBLIC HEALTH AND DIPLOMACY, AND GOVERNMENT AGENCIES LIKE U-S-A-I-D AND THE STATE DEPARTMENT, EVEN THOUGH THIS IS JUST A GOOFY STORY,
IT IS BASED ON WHEN MY FATHER WORKED FOR THE PEACE CORPS, WHICH ADVANCED THE KIND OF GLOBAL HUMANE APPROACH TO GOVERNMENT THAT DOGE IS RUINING.
UM, IN 1971 WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD, I GOT MY HEAD STUCK IN A VASE.
I STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW SOMETHING THAT SLIPPED SO EASILY OVER MY HEAD WAS SO HARD TO GET OFF.
THE VASE WAS NOT YOUR AVERAGE RECEPTACLE FOR FLOWERS.
[00:40:01]
CEREMONIAL VESSEL GIVEN BY A MAASAI CHIEF TO MY FATHER WHEN HE ARRIVED IN AFRICA TO SERVE AS A REGIONAL PEACE CORPS DIRECTOR IN THE LATE SIXTIES.MY FAMILY HAD MOVED ALL THE WAY FROM BEMIDJI, MINNESOTA TO THE SMALL SOUTHEAST AFRICAN COUNTRY OF MALAWI.
I HAD DREADED THE MOVE, NOT BECAUSE I LOVED FREEZING COLD BEMIDJI, BUT BECAUSE AFRI AFRICA SCARED ME.
IT SEEMED SO FAR AWAY AND STRANGE AND HAD WAY TOO MANY TOOTHY TUSKE WILD ANIMALS.
I HAD SO MANY TEARFUL PANIC ATTACKS ABOUT BEING EATEN BY LIONS THAT MY FATHER THREATENED TO LEAVE ME BEHIND IN BEMIDJI WITH MY STRICT LUTHERAN TOUGH AS NAILS.
NORWEGIAN GRANDMOTHER, WHICH PANICKED ME SO MUCH.
MY MOTHER INTERVENED HONEY, YOUR FATHER'S ONLY TEASING.
SHE TOLD ME LIONS BA MY FATHER SAID, HIPPOS KILL WAY MORE PEOPLE THAN LIONS AND EVERYONE THINKS THEY'RE HARMLESS VEGETARIANS.
I ADDED HIPPOS TO MY LIST OF AFRICA FEARS.
MY FATHER LIKED TO TEASE, BUT HE WAS ALSO A CHARMER.
AND HE SOON CHEERED ME UP WITH PROMISES OF A MAGICAL WELCOMING AFRICA, A WARM PLACE WITH WARM PEOPLE, GOLD GRASSLANDS AND STARS LIKE DIAMONDS.
AND FROM THEN ON MY COWARDICE BEGAN WRESTLING WITH MY CURIOSITY.
THE VASE AROUSED MY CURIOSITY, PLUMP AND GOLDEN BROWN WITH A SUBTLE SHEEN.
IT WAS TEMPTINGLY DISPLAYED ON A SHELF IN MY PARENTS' BEDROOM WHERE I'D GONE TO SNOOP AROUND AWAY FROM MY ANNOYING LITTLE SISTER.
I SAW THE VASE AND LONGED TO PLAY WITH IT EVEN THOUGH I HAD BEEN WARNED NOT TO.
WHEN MY PARENTS FIRST SHOWED ME THE VASE, MY FATHER HAD SAID, REMEMBER THIS VASE IS NOT A PLAY THING.
IT'S A VALUABLE ANCIENT BURIAL VESSEL.
IT WAS A GREAT HONOR TO BE GIVEN THIS.
YOUR FATHER'S VERY PROUD OF IT, SO WE DON'T WANNA BREAK IT.
MY MOTHER SAID, MY FATHER POINTED TO SOME TINY HOLES ALONG THE V'S.
BECAUSE THESE VESSELS WERE DESIGNED TO BE FILLED WITH GRAIN AND BURIED WITH BODIES SO THE GRAIN COULD LEAK OUT OF THE HOLES TO FEED THE DEAD.
HE SAID MY MOTHER'S SIDE, THOSE ARE HERE.
MY FATHER'S EXPLANATION DID SCARE ME, BUT IT ALSO SOMEHOW MADE THE VASE IRRESISTIBLE IN A CONTEST BETWEEN FEAR AND CURIOSITY.
MY FEAR USUALLY WENT OUT, BUT THE VASE WAS SO SHIMMERY AND SEDUCTIVE.
I COULDN'T WAIT TO BALANCE IT ON MY HEAD LIKE THE WAY I'D SEEN THE LOCAL WOMEN DO GRACEFULLY CARRYING GIANT BUNDLES AND BASKETS ON THEIR HEADS AS THEY WALK TO MARKET.
WHEN I FINALLY GOT MY CHANCE TO TRY, I FOUND BALANCING WASN'T AS EFFORTLESS AS THOSE WOMEN MADE IT LOOK.
EVERY TIME I TRIED TO IMITATE THEIR HANDS FREE METHOD, THE VASE WOBBLED AND I GRABBED IT.
I TURNED THE VASE UPSIDE DOWN TO ANCHOR ITS MOUTH ON MY HEAD.
THAT'S WHEN THE VASE SLIPPED DOWN AND SWALLOWED ME IN DARKNESS.
THE DARKNESS OF AFRICAN KNIGHTS WAS DEEP AND DANGEROUS.
THE KIND OUR FAMILY DROVE THROUGH IN OUR JEEP WHEN WE VISITED OUR FATHER'S FAR-FLUNG PROJECTS IN THE REGION'S, REMOTEST PARTS, NO STREET LAMPS OR HOUSE LIGHTS DILUTED THAT VAST POWERFUL DARKNESS.
IT WAS PERFECT FOR HIDING WILD AND HUNGRY THINGS WITH MY HEAD TRAPPED IN THE VASE.
IT WAS LIKE THAT DARKNESS FINALLY GOT ME A SYNESTHESIA EFFECT MADE ME CONFUSED, NOT SEEING WITH NOT BREATHING AND I WAS SURE I WAS SUFFOCATING.
I ALSO CONFUSED BLINDNESS WITH DUMBNESS AND COULDN'T FIND MY VOICE THOUGH MY FA THOUGH MY MOTHER WAS ONLY DOWNSTAIRS IN THE KITCHEN.
FORTUNATELY, MY PARENTS' ROOM WAS SMALL AND FAMILIAR AND I EASILY FELT MY WAY TO THE BED AND LOWERED MYSELF ONTO IT.
RELIEVED TO LIE DOWN, BUT STILL AFRAID OF SUFFOCATING.
I BREATHED SLOWLY TO CONSERVE OXYGEN.
THE HOLES IN THE VASE HELPED THOUGH MY BREATH MADE THE AIR MOIST AND GRUBBY.
DARK INTERIOR SLOWLY DEEPENED MY SENSES.
EARTHINESS HEARD THE RHYTHMIC SWISH OF MY BLOOD CIRCULATING.
IRONICALLY, AS MY EYES GREW MORE SENSITIVE, THE DARKNESS LESSENED GROWING BOLDER.
I INCHED TO THE EDGE OF THE MATTRESS AND HUNG MY HEAD OVER THE SIDE TO SEE IF GRAVITY MIGHT LOOSEN THE THE VAES GRIP HOLDING MY HEAD UPSIDE DOWN FELT EVEN MORE DISORIENTING.
I WONDERED IF I WAS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE EARTH, EARTH FROM MINNESOTA,
[00:45:01]
WHICH HAD BEGUN TO SEEM LIKE A PLACE I'D ONLY READ ABOUT A WORLD OF CHRISTMASY PINE TREES AND BLUE SNOW SHADOWS THAT WOULD MELT ON MELT UNDER AFRICA'S HOT SUN.I FELT DIZZY, BUT THE VASE WASN'T LOOSENING.
AFRAID OF SLIPPING OFF THE BED AND BREAKING THE VASE AND PROBABLY MY SKULL.
IN THE PROCESS, I RAISED MY HEAD AND COLLAPSED ONTO THE BED.
AS I DESPAIRED ABOUT REMOVING THE VASE WITHOUT BEING DISCOVERED, I HEARD MY PARENTS' CREAKY DOOR SLOWLY OPENING, SORRY.
WHEN THE CREAKING FINALLY STOPPED, MY ENHANCED HEARING DETECTED THE SOUND OF SOMEONE BREATHING.
THERE WAS NO POSITIVE RESPONSE MY PARENTS COULD POSSIBLY HAVE TO ME LYING THERE WITH MY FATHER'S SACRED VASE ON MY HEAD.
THEN I HEARD MY SISTER'S LAUGHTER.
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME GET THIS OFF.
I BEGGED, BUT SHE DECIDED TO MESS WITH ME.
THERE'S A HIPPO HEAD IN THE BATHTUB.
EVERYONE'S DOWN THERE CLEANING IT AND YOU ARE MISSING ALL OF IT.
I PONDERED THIS FABULOUS STATEMENT.
I HADN'T HEARD THE JEEP ARRIVE OR ANY COMMOTION, BUT MY HEARING WAS IMPAIRED BY THE VASE AND I HAD BEEN DISTRACTED.
MY SISTER CONTINUED IN HER NON-SEQUITUR WAY.
WHY IS THAT UGLY CHUCKLE IN YOUR HEAD.
MY VOICE SOUNDED RICH AND ECHOY INSIDE THE VAES CERAMIC ENCLOSURE UNIMPRESSED.
MY SISTER ASKED IF YOU GOT IT ON, HOW COME YOU CAN'T GET IT OVER AGAIN? MY SISTER ALWAYS SEEMED TO HAVE THE UPPER HAND.
EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS YOUNGER, SHE HAD PICKED UP THE SUPERIOR MARY POPPINS ACCENT FROM THE BRITISH SCHOOL WE ATTENDED, WHICH MADE EVERYTHING SHE SAID SEEM MORE AUTHORITATIVE AND INTELLIGENT THAN IT REALLY WAS.
I HATED THAT ACCENT THAT SCHOOL, BUT IT WAS THE SOLE ENGLISH SPEAKING SCHOOL IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY.
DRIVING THERE TOOK SO LONG THAT WE HAD TO LEAVE AT DAWN.
THE ONLY TIME THAT WARM GOLDEN LAND WAS BLUE AND FROSTY, AS IF THAT RIDE BELONGED TO ITS BRITISH DESTINATION.
I CONSIDERED MY SISTER'S QUESTION.
IF YOU GOT IT ON, HOW COME YOU CAN'T GET IT OFF AGAIN?
WHAT ABOUT MOM'S WEDDING RING? I ASKED ONCE AFTER A FIGHT WITH MY FATHER WHO STORMED OUT THE DOOR.
MY MOTHER FURIOUSLY TRIED TO YANK THE WEDDING RING OFF HER FINGER AND COULDN'T GET IT PAST HER FIRST KNUCKLE.
SORRY, MOM COULDN'T GET HER RING OFF.
I SAID SHE GOT SOMETHING ON THAT SHE COULDN'T GET OFF.
MY SISTER SAID YOU DIDN'T SEE BECAUSE YOU RAN OFF.
IT WAS LIKE MY MOTHER IN TRYING TO RID HERSELF OF HER WEDDING RING WAS ALSO TRYING TO FREE HERSELF OF ALL OF US.
BUT MY SISTER WAS CANER WITH A MAG PIE'S EYE FOR TREASURE.
SHE MADE SURE TO STAY PUT IN CASE MY MOTHER TOSSED THE RING IN THE TRASH OR DOWN THE DRAIN.
THEN MY SISTER'S TINY, NIMBLE HANDS WOULD BE READY TO EXTRACT IT.
SHE SLIPPED IT OFF WITH DISH WASHING LIQUID AND TOOK IT TO HER ROOM.
MY SISTER SAID ROOF LEE DISH WASHING LIQUID.
AH, YOU'VE GOT TO RUN DOWN AND SNEAK ME SOME.
HELP ME GET THIS OFF BEFORE DAD OR MOM COMES UP.
THERE WAS A PAUSE BEFORE MY SISTER ANSWERED.
WHAT WILL YOU GIVE ME IN RETURN IN HER DEFENSE, I'D RECENTLY CUT MY SISTER'S HAIR WITH PINKING SHEARS.
WE WERE PLAYING BEAUTY PARLOR AND SHE MAINTAINS TO THIS DAY THAT I DID IT TO RUIN HER LOOKS.
I WAS TIRED OF PRETENDING IF WE WERE PLAYING HAIRCUT, I WANTED TO ACTUALLY CUT.
SO I TOOK THE FIRST PAIR OF SCISSORS I FOUND AND GAVE HER A REAL DETECTABLE HAIRCUT.
WHATEVER THE REASON FOR HER DEMANDS, MY SISTER WAS IN A GOOD BARGAINING POSITION.
I'LL HELP YOU IF YOU GIVE ME THE EARRINGS.
I HAD TRADED MY BARBIE DOLL FOR A VILLAGE.
BOTH OF US HAD WALKED AWAY FROM THE TRADES SMUGLY THINKING WE'D GOT THE BETTER END OF THE BARGAIN.
NEVER IN A JILLION YEARS I ANSWERED.
I FELT I NEVER PERMANENTLY OWNED ANYTHING.
WHATEVER I OUTGREW BECAME MY SISTERS DRESSES, SHOES, EVEN UNDERWEAR
[00:50:01]
ALWAYS BELONGED TO HER IN THE END.AND SHE GOT TO BE A YOUNGER, PRETTIER REVISION OF ME.
BUT THE EARRINGS I WOULDN'T OUTGROW.
YOUR EARS AREN'T EVEN PIERCED.
I ACHED TO SCRATCH MY ITCHY NOSE AND TOLD MYSELF I'D STEAL THE EARRINGS BACK OR TRICK HER INTO LOSING THEM IN SOME DUMB DESPERATE BARGAIN LIKE THE ONE I JUST MADE.
THE DOOR CREAKED AGAIN, BRACING FOR MY PARENTS' WRATH.
WHAT IS THAT? THE SIBLING TRIUMVIRATE WAS COMPLETE ONLY TWO YEARS.
MY SENIOR, MY BROTHER SEEMED ALMOST ADULT.
I WAS NEVER SURE WHICH SIDE OF THE CHILD GROWNUP DIVIDE HE WAS ON.
WOULD HE TELL ON US? SCOLD ON US IN SOME INFU, UH, SCOLD US IN SOME INFURIATING, PATERNAL WAY? OR WOULD HE STAY ONE OF US IN ON THE PLOT TO SNOW THE PARENTS PART OF THE INFIGHTING, BLACKMAIL AND BRIBERY WITHIN OUR SIBLING CODE OF ERTA.
IT TURNED OUT MY BROTHER, MY BROTHER WAS TOO INTO HIS OWN BIZARRE EXPERIENCE TO CARE ABOUT MINE.
I WAS HIS CAPTIVE AUDIENCE AS HE TOLD ME HIS HIPPO STORY, HOW HE'D ACCOMPANIED MY FATHER ON A PEACE CORPS PROJECT VISIT TO LAKE MALAWI WHERE HIPPO CHARGED A WOMAN DOING HER WASHING AND A GAMEKEEPER SHOT THE HIPPO BEFORE IT COULD KILL HER.
I HAD TO PRETEND TO LIKE HIPPO ME.
BUT THEY GAVE ME THE HIPPO HEAD BECAUSE OF HOW I TOLD THEM I WANTED TO BE A VETERINARIAN.
HE WANTED TO SHOW ME THE HEAD BEING CLEANED IN THE BATHROOM.
BUT MY SISTER WHO'D SKIPPED MY BROTHER'S STORY TO GET DISHWASHING LIQUID.
AND MY EARRINGS NO DOUBT BURST BACK INTO MY PARENTS' ROOM.
I FELT A COLD SYRUPY TRICKLE ON MY NECK AS MY SIBLINGS SQUIRTED ME WITH DISHWASHING LIQUID AND EASILY DISLODGED THE VASE.
I WAS ECSTATIC WHEN THE FIRST WASH OF FRESH AIR COOL REACTED WITH A SWEAT ON MY FACE, LIKE THE BEST AIR CONDITIONING ON THE PLANET.
OF COURSE, THE MINUTE I COULD FINALLY SCRATCH MY NOSE, IT STOPPED ITCHING, EXPECTING MORE DIFFICULTY.
MY SIBLINGS HAD PULLED SO HARD, THEY FELL BACKWARDS AND CRACKED THE VASE.
BUT MY SISTER INSPIRED BY THE SUBTLE HALF OF MY EARRINGS IN HER POCKET, HAD A GENIUS SOLUTION, PUT THE VASE ON ITS SHELF SO THE CRACK DIDN'T SHOW.
WE CAN GLUE IT BACK BETTER LATER.
ADDING THAT I'D NEVER SEEN ANYONE TAKE THE VASE DOWN.
IT WAS PROBABLY BLAMED ON THE MOVERS WHEN WE RETURNED TO THE US.
I DIDN'T SEE BECAUSE THE VASE WAS DELIVERED TO MY FATHER'S APARTMENT WHERE HE LIVED SEPARATE FROM US BECAUSE BY THE TIME WE LEFT MALAWI, MY PARENTS HAD DIVORCED.
MY BROTHER POLISHED HIS HIPPO SKULL UNTIL IT SHINED AND NAILED IT ON HIS DOOR TO KEEP OUT BAD SPIRITS.
THAT SOUNDS KIND OF SPOOKY, BUT I'VE COME TO REALIZE THAT ONE PERSON SPOOK IS ANOTHER GUARDIAN ANGEL.
IN AFRICA, I SAW A TROOP OF MEN IN WOODEN MASKS WITH WILD RAPHA MAINS PERFORM CEREMONIAL DANCES.
THEY WERE MEANT TO LOOK BIG AND FIERCE LIKE LIONS, BUT TO ME THEY LOOKED LIKE MEN IN SKIRTS WITH HEADS LIKE GIANT SUNFLOWERS.
OCCASIONALLY I SNUCK INTO MY BROTHER'S ROOM WHEN HE WAS OUT AND COVETED HIS HIPPO SKULL, ALL TOOTH AND TUSK GLEAMING WITH VIOLENT INTENT.
IT'S DARK, EMPTY EYE HOLES BEGGED TO TWINKLE AGAIN WITH SIGHT.
I LONG TO TAKE IT DOWN, UNHINGED THAT JAW AND PUSH MY HEAD INTO ITS HUNGRY CAVITY JUST TO KNOW HOW IT FELT.
UM, I'M GONNA BE OVER HERE FOR THE DURATION OF THIS NEXT PERFORMANCE, UM, WHICH IT REALLY IS.
I'M GONNA INTRODUCE BEN LEVIN, UH, THE YOUNG HIGH SCHOOL GENTLEMAN ON THE RIGHT ON YOUR LEFT ACTUALLY.
AND RICHARD SHOTTER, UM, WHO IS THE AUTHOR OF PLAYS MEDICINE SHOW, BEYA THE KING, THE WOOD DANCER, TAKING STOCK AND THE SUSSMAN VARIATIONS.
IN ADDITION, A NUMBER OF HIS 10 MINUTE PLAYS HAVE BEEN PERFORMED AT THE BOSTON THEATER MARATHON AND AS HAS HIS SHORT MUSICAL DUET FOR SHY PEOPLE.
MR. SHOTTER HAS BEEN A LYRICIST FOR THE PBS CHILDREN'S SERIES, THE PUZZLE PLACE, AND CO-AUTHORED WITH HIS WIFE RONNIE, THE CHILDREN'S BOOK.
THERE'S A DRAGON ABOUT A WINTER'S REVEL.
FOR MANY YEARS HE WAS A PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH AT QUEENS COLLEGE, THE CITY UNIVERSITY OF NEW YORK, WHERE HE RAN THE MFA PROGRAM AND PLAYWRITING AS WELL AS A VISITING PROFESSOR OF PLAYWRITING IN THE GRADUATE THEATER PROGRAM
[00:55:01]
AT BOSTON UNIVERSITY.AND YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE ME A MOMENT 'CAUSE THIS HAS TO BE QUEUED UP.
OH, RALPH, WHAT DID YOU DO? SHOOT.
RALPH, WE NEED YOUR HELP DOWNSTAIRS.
GIVE US A MOMENT IF YOU CAN HEAR ME.
I THOUGHT WE WERE LEAVING THIS QUEUE.
HELLO, IS THIS ALLEGRA? IT'S HOWIE GOLDEN FROM WORLD HISTORY THIRD PERIOD.
THERE'S THIS MOVIE SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE LOWES PARADISE.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU AND I MIGHT OH REALLY? A DANCE RECITAL.
WELL, GOODBYE SENIOR WORLD OF HISTORY.
THIRD PERIOD, HE HANGS UP THE PHONE DEJECTED A VOICE OFF STAGE.
HOWIE SHALL BE YOUR SUGAR BABY SOON.
FREE THE KING OF ROCK AND ROLL.
HOWIE, I'M COMING TO YOU LIVE IN YOUR BEDROOM.
HE'S A RATHER SLEAZY LOOKING MAN IN A BROCADE IN A, IN HIS FORTIES WEARING A LOUD BROCADE SUIT AND A PINKY RING.
HIS HAIR SLICKED BACK AN ANXIOUS MANNER.
THIS PORTION OF OUR CONVERSATION IS BEING BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PEOPLE AT FRIENDLY FROST.
I LISTEN TO YOUR SHOW EVERY SATURDAY, MR. FREE.
I READ THE LETTER YOU SENT ME.
OH, YOU CAN'T BLAME YOUR PARENTS IF THEY THINK YOU'RE AFRAID OF ROCK AND ROLL.
REEFER IS JUVENILE DELINQUENCY, COMMUNISM, BUT WE KNOW BETTER.
THE KING OF ROCK AND ROLL IN MY BEDROOM.
I'M BY THE WAY, SENT, SENT AWAY FOR TICKETS FOR THE CHRISTMAS SHOW AT THE BROOKLYN PARAMOUNT.
UH, DON'T FORGET TO BUY THE SOUVENIR PROGRAM.
AND I WAS PLANNING TO ASK A CERTAIN ALLEGRA GOLDSTEIN TO GO WITH ME.
YOU'RE INFATUATED WITH THIS ALLEGRA GOLDSTEIN, NOT INFATUATED IN LOVE.
HAVE YOU SEEN HER? I CAN'T SAY I HAVE, BUT I'VE EATEN DINNER WITH CONNIE FRANCIS.
ALLEGRA IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD.
SHE SWEETSS AND QUITE PETITE WHEN SHE WALKS INTO THE ROOM.
I ASKED HER OUT AND SHE LEFT YOU CRYING AND LONELY.
BUT THIS TIME SUMMON YOUR ROCK AND ROLL SOUL.
EVERY GIRL WANTS A BOY WITH A ROCK AND ROLL SOUL.
YOU THINK? YOU THINK I HAVE ONE? OF COURSE YOU DO.
THIS PORTION OF OUR CONVERSATION IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE FRIENDLY FOLKS AT YOUR CHAPARRAL SUPERMARKET THIS WEEK FEATURING LAMB CHOPS AT 99 CENTS A POUND.
YOU CAN I GET YOU A BEVERAGE DR.
PEPPER, ORANGE CRUSH? NO THANKS.
I'M TRYING TO GET THE GOOD FOLKS AT COCA-COLA TO BE OUR SPONSOR, BUT MORE ABOUT THAT NEXT WEEK.
RIGHT NOW WE'RE WORKING ON YOUR ROCK AND ROLL SOUL.
ONCE YOU FIND IT, IT'LL TAKE YOU OVER THE MOUNTAIN, ACROSS THE SEA TO FIND THE TREASURE OF LOVE.
AND THEN THIS, THIS ALEXIS ALLEGRA, UH, WILL YOU SAY TO YOU, IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF ROBERT AND JOHNNY, YOUR MINE, AND WE BELONG TOGETHER.
WHEN A GIRL SENSES A ROCK AND ROLL SHOW, SHE BECOMES YOUR PARTY DOLL.
YOUR PEGGY SUE, YOUR SWEET LITTLE 16, YOUR BONY MARONI.
LONG TALL SALLY CONEY ISLAND BABY.
GEEZ, MR. FREE, YOU SOUND JUST LIKE YOU DO ON THE RADIO.
WHAT DO I DO? SEND AWAY MY BOX TOPS.
FIRST YOU NEED MY BRAND NEW ALAN FREE'S BEST ROCK AND ROLL HITS.
WHERE'D THAT COME FROM? MY PERSONAL COLLECTION? GO ON HOWIE.
DID YOU HEAR THAT? HEARTBEAT, THE PAIN, THE LONGING.
THAT'S THE ROCK AND ROLL SOUL DADDIO.
REMEMBER HOWIE, NOTHING MATTERS BUT THE MUSIC, THEY TRY TO GET ME TO PLAY ROCK COVER RECORDS BY PAT BOONE AND THE MCGUIRE SISTERS.
THE KIDS HAVE TO HEAR THE REAL THING BY THE REAL ARTISTS, BLACK OR WHITE.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THE MUSIC.
ARE YOU READY TO FREE YOUR ROCK AND ROLL SOUL? YOU BET I AM
[01:00:01]
THEN WE'LL START THE COUNTDOWN.NOW TRY THIS ON A BLACK LEATHER JACKET FLOATS DOWN FROM UP ABOVE LANDS NEAR HOWIE.
GOT A MILLION TRICKS UP MY SLEEVE.
WHY NOT THE FORDHAM BALDIES WEAR THESE? IF THEY CATCH ME, THEY'LL BEAT ME TO A PULP.
BOY, I MUST TAKE RISK FOR ROCK AND ROLL PUT ON THAT JACKET.
NOW LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR.
I WANT YOU TO INHABIT THAT JACKET.
I'VE GOT AN ITCHY TWITCHY FEEL AND YOU ARE CHANGING ALREADY.
YOU SURE YOU GOT THE RIGHT ADDRESS? THE KING OF ROLL.
THE KING OF ROCK AND ROLL ALWAYS HAS THE RIGHT ADDRESS.
HOW DO YOU FEEL IN THAT JACKET? KIND OF LIKE A SAUSAGE.
NOW THESE WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
A PAIR OF BLACK MOTORCYCLE BOOTS SLIDE IN.
THEY BELONG TO THE LATE GREAT JOHNNY ACE.
THEY HAVE TAPS, TOES AND HEELS WHEN YOU WALK.
I WANT TO HEAR THE COLD METAL, THE SOUND OF YOUR COLD METALLIC HEART.
NOW PUT THEM ON AND WALK ACROSS THE ROOM LIKE YOU'RE DOING THE STROLL, THE BOP, THE SLIDE, THE PEPPERMINT TWIST.
I DON'T THINK A ALLEGRA'S GONNA GO FOR THIS.
IF, IF, IF YOU BELIEVE IT, SO WILL SHE.
I'M SENDING THIS OUT TO ALL THE KIDS ON SHERIDAN AVENUE TO TOMMY AND RITA AND ANTOINETTE AND CARL GOING STEADY THREE WEEKS.
NOT JUST FOR UH, NOT JUST FOR YOUR ALEXIS ALLEGRA, BUT FOR ALL THE KIDS IN ALL WINGS.
THEY WANT TO HEAR THE MUSIC THAT MAKES HIM SHIMMY AND SHAKE LIKE AN OLD RATTLESNAKE.
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR NOW.
LET ME SEE THE CHUCK BERRY CHICKEN WALK.
HOW AM I DOING? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
OH, YOU REAL? HOW ARE YOU REALLY ROCKING? GOODNESS GRACIOUS.
YOU'RE FEELING IT NOW? THIS TIME AT A HEAVY SHOT OF RHYTHM AND BLUES.
FREE THE KING OF ROCK AND ROLL.
YOU SAID YOU'D GIVE ME SOME WARNING TOMORROW.
SOMETHING'S COME UP, TAKES OUT A FLASK, TAKES A QUICK NIP OVAL TEAM FOR QUICK ENERGY.
PUT IN YOUR LOCAL, PUT PACK IT UP.
PICKING YOU UP IN YOUR LOCAL GROCERY STORE.
LET'S GET BACK TO OUR LESSONS IN LOVE.
WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS NOW, MR. FREE, IF YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS IN YOUR MIND.
INQUISITIONS FOR WHAT? I ASK YOU.
WHY DON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE? YOU MEAN THIS PAYOLA THING.
THAT'S ALL THEY ARE PLAYING ON HUMAN FLESH.
I'M NOT THE, AM I NOT THE MAN WHO COINED THE WORD ROCK AND ROLL.
THEY SHOULD BE HONORING ME, NOT INVESTIGATING ME.
WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW? NO, THEY CAN'T DO THAT.
THEY SAID THEY WOULDN'T BRING THEM INTO IT.
I'M AFRAID WE'LL HAVE TO FINISH THIS SOME OTHER TIME.
I DON'T BELIEVE WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT THEY SAY ABOUT YOU ON THE PAPERS.
YOU ONLY PLAY THE SONGS YOU LOVE.
AND THE SONGS I LOVE MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD LIKE A YOUNG BOY.
SHOULD THEY MAKE YOU WANT TO DANCE, SLOW DANCE TO THE TO THE PLATTERS AND HANG OUT ON STREET CORNERS SINGING OUR HARMONIES THAT SEND CHILLS UP YOUR SPINE WITH THE RADIO.
OOH, PAPA DO AND NEGRO NEGRO MUSIC AND WHITE MUSIC ALL SHOOK UP AND SINGING LOVE AROUND THE MICROPHONE IN THE BACK.
BACKBEAT THE BACKSEAT, THE BACKBEAT POUNDING IN LOVE AND SWEAT.
SWEET YOUNG SWEAT AND DANCING FOREVER AS WITH THE KIDS ROCKING ON INTO THE AMERICAN FUTURE.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT? THAT E? YEAH, MR. FREE.
I MIGHT NOT GET THERE WITH YOU, BUT I'LL BE HAPPY KNOWING YOU'RE OUT THERE ROCKING.
BEFORE I LISTENED TO YOU, I WAS NOTHING BUT MY PARENTS' ONLY SON.
BUT ONCE I HEARD ROCK AND ROLL, REAL ROCK AND ROLL THE WAY ONLY YOU PLAY IT.
I REALIZED THERE WAS A WHOLE OTHER WORLD OUT THERE.
A ROCK AND ROLL WORLD JUST, JUST WAITING FOR ME TO GRAB IT.
MR. FREE, THE MUSIC'S YOUR GIFT TO US.
ALL THESE GOVERNMENT PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND ROCK AND ROLL.
BEFORE I GO, I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU'VE GOT A ROCK AND ROLL SOUL.
FRONT ROW CENTER, BROOKLYN PARAMOUNT.
LITTLE RICHARD, JERRY LEE LEWIS, ALL THE GANG.
I'LL BE LISTENING SATURDAY MORNING WHEN I DEDICATED A SONG.
WHEN I DEDICATE A SONG TO HOWIE GOLDEN, THE BOY WITH THE ROCK AND ROLL SOUL.
[01:05:02]
MAYBE ONE DAY WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER, PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER WHAT I DID FOR YOU KIDS.YOU'LL BE FAMOUS, MR. FREE, AN AMERICAN HERO.
AND NOW THE OLD CLOCK ON THE STUDIO WALL SAYING IT'S TIME TO GO GOODBYE MR. FREE, NOT GOODBYE.
HOW A GOODNIGHT TAKES OUT A FLASK.
TAKES ANOTHER NIP BEGINS TO LEAVE.
I'M SENDING THIS ONE OUT TO ALL THE KIDS AT ABRAHAM LINCOLN HIGH SCHOOL TO MADDIE AND ERNIE AND ALVIN AND BUDDY AND CHERRY AND ESTELLE AND JERRY AND LITTLE JERRY.
AND I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU AND WHAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME.
HOW WE GOLDEN HERE? HOW'S IT GOING? YOU'RE SOUNDING GOOD LIKE A YOUNG GIRL SHOULD.
HOW IT GO? REMEMBER, LISTEN, SOMEONE'S COME UP.
TICKETS TO WHAT? IT'S KIND OF A LONG STORY.
UM, NEXT UP I'M INTRODUCING RICHARD'S LOVELY WIFE, RONNIE SHOTTER.
UM, WHO'S 31ST CHILDREN'S BOOK.
DRAGON DREAMS HAS JUST BEEN PUBLISHED AND SARAH DAVIDSON IS HERE SELLING IT TONIGHT.
UM, IT WAS INSPIRED BY THE EFFORTS OF SO MANY OF OUR NEIGHBORS TO CLEAN UP AND BEAUTIFY THE RAIL TRAIL, UM, THAT RUNS THROUGH HASTINGS.
RONNIE IS THE WINNER OF MANY AWARDS, INCLUDING THE NATIONAL JEWISH BOOK AWARD CHOICE AWARD, WASHINGTON IRVING AWARD, EVEN AN EMMY FOR THE ADAPTATION OF ONE OF HER BOOKS LIKE SELIG, THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE BOY WHO LOVES WORDS ALSO FOR SELF TONIGHT.
RONNIE LOVES THEIR POWER AND BEAUTY AND THE WAY THEY CAN CONNECT US WHEN USED WITH CONSCIENCE AND LOVE.
PLEASE WELCOME RONNIE SHUTTER.
SO THIS RIGHT HERE ON THIS BUTTON, OKAY.
UM, BARBARA MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT THE RAIL TRAIL AND THAT'S A BOOK THAT'S COMING OUT NEXT YEAR, SO, UM, BUT THIS IS DRAGON DREAMS, BUT I'M HOPING YOU WILL ALL STAY AWAKE AS I READ YOU A CHILDREN'S BOOK OF MINE.
THAT IS A BEDTIME STORY BECAUSE MANY OF YOU ARE ALSO WRITERS.
YOU KNOW THAT WRITING, WHETHER IT BE NONFICTION OR FICTION PLAYS, OR POEMS OR SONGS, JOURNALISTIC ARTICLES OR SHORT FICTION, ADULT OR CHILDREN'S LITERATURE, WRITING IS A JOURNEY OF SELF DISCOVERY.
WHEN WE WRITE, WE UNCOVER WHAT WE FEEL AND CARE ABOUT.
I WILL SOON READ YOU A PART OF MY BOOK, THE BOY WHO LOVED WORDS, BUT FIRST I WILL READ YOU MY BEDTIME STORY.
DRAGON DREAMS INSPIRED BY THE GREAT VALUE I PLACE IN IMAGINATION BY MY CHILDHOOD WISH TO FLY AND MY FUTILE ATTEMPTS TO DO SO.
AND BY MY DRAGON DREAMS OF A KINDER, LESS COMBATIVE, MORE LOVING WORLD.
OKAY, DRAGON DREAMS, IF I CAN REMEMBER WHERE THIS IS.
OKAY, IT'S BEEN AN ANGRY DAY WITH WAY TOO MUCH PINCHING, POKING, AND PUSHING.
YOU TUCK IN YOUR TAIL, FOLD UP YOUR WINGS AND SNUGGLE DOWN FOR DRAGON DREAMS. YOUR SISTER IS SOON IN SLUMBER, BUT YOU STAY AWAKE LISTENING FOR NIGHT MUSIC.
AS YOU SLIP INTO SLEEP TO DREAM ONCE AGAIN OF DRAGONS, THEN A RUSTLE AND A W WINGS AT YOUR WINDOW.
YOUR OWN SPECIAL DRAGON COULD BE CALLING.
IMAGINE WITH A LEAP SHE LANDS AT YOUR BEDSIDE.
HER NAME IS NOURI AND SHE IS JUST YOUR SIZE.
OKAY, YOU SAY YOU REACH FOR YOUR MAGIC STICK TIPTOE PAST YOUR SLEEPING SISTER AND CLIMB ON URIS LUMPY, BUMPY BACK.
SHE SAYS YOU DO AND OUT AND UP YOU GO.
AGO, STREETLIGHTS BLINK TREES WAVE THEIR LEAFY ARMS SAFE FLIGHT.
IDRISS THE BOY NEXT DOOR IS RIDING
[01:10:01]
HIS OWN DRAGON HIGH INTO THE SKY.IT'S DARK, BUT URIS FIRE LIGHTS THE WAY IT'S COLD, BUT NO'S HOT BREATH WARMS YOU.
A NIGHTHAWK, SQUAWKS AND COMETS LEAVE MESSAGES ON THE BLACKBOARD SKY.
WHERE ARE WE GOING? YOU ASK SH NOURI BLOWS MYSTERIOUSLY A SECRET GATHERING.
SO YOU DO MARSHMALLOW, YOU USE YOUR MAGIC STICK TO TOAST IT IN URIS FIERY BREATH.
THE SKY IS FILLED WITH DRAGONS, LITTLE DRAGONS FROM HERE NEAR AND FAR AWAY.
DRAGONS OF EVERY COLOR AND KIND CARRYING CHILDREN OF EVERY COLOR AND KIND.
THE FIERCEST DRAGONS ARE FIGHTING UNTIL A SKY DRAGON NAMED CIELO BELLOWS.
NOW THE DRAGONS ECHO AND STOP THEIR FIGHTING.
IS THIS THE SECRET GATHERING YOU WHISPER AND WONDER? NORIN NODS HER TAIL TWITCHES WITH EXCITEMENT TUCKED UNDER HER SCALES ARE TWO PIECES OF PAPER.
ONE A SIGN THAT SAYS, NO MORE FIGHTING, NO BITING.
YOU THINK OF YOUR SISTER AND WITH YOUR MAGIC STICK, WRITE A SIGN OF YOUR OWN.
NO MORE SHOVING, JUST LOVING ALL THE DRAGONS UNTUCKED SIGNS AND PIECES OF PAPER.
ALL THE CHILDREN WRITE THEIR WISHES.
IRIS'S SIGN SAYS, MAKE A FRIEND AND THEN THE OTHER SIGN, SHANTI PE AMANI ICE CREAM FOR ALL BUT WAIT OVER THERE UNDER A STAR.
IS THAT YOUR SISTER ON HER OWN SPECIAL DRAGON? YOU MUST BE DREAMING.
HER SIGN SAYS, NO PINCHING, NO POKING.
NOW CIELO RUMBLES LIKE THUNDER, ALL DRAGONS WHO DREAM OF PEACE AND KINDNESS ROAR.
I THEN CAST YOUR KINDNESS TO THE EARTH AND SKY.
I KNEW HE AND THE DRAGONS ROAR FIRED UP I YOU AND THE OTHER CHILDREN ROAR.
SOON THE SKY IS A GLOW WITH SKYWRITING, PAPERED WITH PEACEFUL WORDS.
MAKE A FRIEND SHARE YOUR LAIR, TOTOS.
THEN THE DRAGONS START TO DANCE.
THE STORES TINKLE LIKE TAMBOURINES.
YOU WAVE YOUR MAGIC STICK, STAND ON NOURI BACK AND DO A MOONWALK.
THE CLOUDS MOVE ASIDE TO MAKE ROOM AND THE SKY IT SWIRLS WITH COLORS.
FROM SO MANY DRAGONS DANCING, NOW URI AND THE DRAGONS, HUFF AND PUFF FROM TOO MUCH DANCING.
HOMEWARD HO YELLOW COMMANDS ALL DRAGONS AND DRAGON CHILDREN RETURN TO YOUR LAYERS.
NOURI TAKES A DEEP FIERY BREATH AND STRETCHES HER WEARY WINGS READY FOR DEPARTURE.
YOU HOLD TIGHT TO HER HORNS AND CLOSE YOUR SLEEPY EYES.
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU ARE BACK IN YOUR CLOUDS SOFT BED.
SLEEP TIGHT, SWEET DRAGON CHILD, I SEE YOU IN MY DREAMS AND I WILL SEE YOU IN MINE.
YOU REACH FOR NO'S NECK TO GIVE HER A GOODBYE HUG THEN WITH A LEAP.
NOURI IS OUT YOUR WINDOW ON HER WAY HOME GONE.
NOW YOU GO TO YOUR SISTER'S BED AND GENTLY PAT HER SLEEPY HEAD.
MAMA AND DADDY HAVE HEARD YOUR CALL.
THEY COME INTO YOUR BEDROOM AND HOLD YOU AND YOUR SISTER IN THEIR ARMS AS YOU TELL THEM ABOUT DURI AND YOUR DRAGON DREAM.
IMAGINE YOUR MAMA AND DADDY SAY, JUST IMAGINE THEY KISS EACH OF YOU ON YOUR SCALY NECKS, THEN
[01:15:01]
TUCK IN YOUR TAILS AND WINGS.THEY WHISPER KIND SWEET DREAMS. WHAT WILL YOUR DREAM BE? NOW YOU WONDER AS YOU SLIP BACK INTO SLEEP.
AND THEN THERE'S A A GLOSSARY OF DRAGONS FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
SO NOW I'M JUST GONNA QUICKLY READ A PART OF, I HAD TO DO THIS BECAUSE IT'S WORDS ON HUDSON.
SO IT'S A BOOK ABOUT THE BOY WHO LOVED WORDS AND IT'S REALLY MY SALUTE TO WORDS AS ALL OF US WHO ARE HERE TONIGHT CLEARLY FEEL THE SAME WAY.
THERE ARE, AND THIS IS WITHOUT PICTURES.
SO THERE ARE IN THIS WORLD, PEOPLE WHO ARE BORN COLLECTORS.
SOME COLLECT SHELLS OR STONES, OTHERS FEATHERS.
SOME HAVE EVEN BEEN KNOWN TO COLLECT TINY TEASPOONS.
SIG LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT WORDS, THE SOUND OF THEM IN HIS EARS, TINT, AMBULATING THE TASTE OF THEM ON HIS TONGUE, TANTALIZING THE THOUGHT OF THEM WHEN THEY PERCOLATED IN HIS BRAIN STIRRING AND MOST ESPECIALLY THE FEEL OF THEM WHEN THEY MOVED HIS HEART.
MAMA, WHENEVER SEK HEARD A WORD HE LIKED, HE SHOUTED OUT LOUD, JOTTED DOWN ON A SLIP OF PAPER, THEN STUFF IT INTO HIS POCKET TO SAVE SUCH A COLLECTOR.
SELIG'S POCKETS, POSITIVELY BRIMMED WITH WORDS.
HE STUFFED HIS STUFFED NEW ONES INSIDE HIS SHIRT, DOWN HIS SOCKS, UP HIS SLEEVES UNDER HIS HAT.
WHILE OTHER CHILDREN BUSY THEMSELVES WITH BATHS, NETS AND ALL MANNER OF BALLS.
SELIG STAYED ON THE OUTSKIRTS, ALWAYS ON THE PERIPHERY, LISTENING AND COLLECTING DELICIOUS WORDS.
HIS FATHER, A PRACTICAL MAN WHO SOLD STURDY SHOES FOR A LIVING, WONDERED WHAT GOOD COULD POSSIBLY COME FROM A SON WITH SUCH A STRANGE PREDILECTION.
HIS MOTHER, A LARGE LOVELY WOMAN FROM THE OLD COUNTRY, WORRIED COULD HER BEAUTIFUL BOY FIND HAPPINESS, WAVING HER ARMS IN THE AIR.
ONE NIGHT SIG HAD A DREAM ALONE IN FRONT OF AN UNUSUAL EMPORIUM.
HE ENCOUNTERED AN OVERSIZED PHORA.
CURIOUS SIG GAVE IT A TAP OUT POPPED.
POPPED A SWATI SWIRLING MAN, GIN SIG, EX EXCLAIMED THEN GENIE, HE SHOUTED, ENJOYING THE TANG OF TASTY NEW WORDS.
JEVAN THE GENIE ASKED A VISH SOUNDS LIKE HE TALKS LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER.
SUCH STRANGE AND SAVORY SOUNDS SUCH AN OFFER AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.
IS IT TRUE? AM I REALLY AN ODDBALL? ODDBALL? F YOU VOIDS VOICE A LEVEL OF VOIDS.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE? WHAT PEOPLE SEARCH THEIR WHOLE LIFE FOR AN ENTHUSIASM.
BUT YOU NEED NOW IS A PURPOSE, A MISSION THEN WITHOUT A WORD OF WARNING THAT GENIE DISAPPEARED.
SELIG AWAKENED FROM HIS DREAM.
HE PACKED A RUCK SACK WITH A PILLOW AND BLANKET APPLES, HONEY CREAM SODA AND HIS ENTIRE COLLECTION OF WORDS.
HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE HAD TO DO.
SELIG TOOK TO THE ROAD, DETERMINED TO FIND HIS PURPOSE.
ON THE TRAIL OF HIS PURPOSE, SELIG'S SENSES SHARPENED.
HE NOTED THE NOD AND TOTTLE OF TULIPS IN THE WIND, THE SWAY AND SWAGGER OF TREE BRANCHES.
HOW IT EVENING THE LIGHT DIMMED TO ANNOUNCE THE ARRIVAL OF TWILIGHT AND STARS.
DUSK, SELIG NOTED ADDING THAT SHORT AND ENCHANTING WORD TO HIS COLLECTION.
BUT IN TIME, SELIG'S STEPS GREW HEAVY UNDER THE WEIGHT OF SO MANY WORDS.
IT WAS HARDER AND HARDER TO MOVE.
HE WAS SHUFFLING AND SHAMBLING WHEN HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN RAMBLING AND RAMBLING.
PERHAPS WHAT HE NEEDED TO DO WAS LIGHTEN HIS LOAD, BUT HOW THROW WORDS AWAY WASTE THEM.
SIG WAS TOO TIRED TO THINK HIS EXHAUSTED BRAIN COULD IMAGINE.
BUT ONE THING SLUMBER A SPLENDID WORD.
SADLY, HE WAS TOO SLEEPY TO WRITE IT DOWN IN FRONT OF SIG STOOD A LARGE AND LOVELY TREE.
HE REMOVED HIS JACKET, STUFFED LIKE HIS MAMA'S STRUDEL WITH WORDS TENDERLY.
HE HUNG EACH WORD ON HIS OWN SEPARATE BRANCH AS IF PUTTING IT TO BED FOR THE NIGHT WITH A SIP OF
[01:20:01]
CREAM SODA AND A NIBBLE OF HONEYED.CLAMMED THEN CURLED IN A CROOK OF THE TREE.
SNUGGY THOUGHT AND FELL DIRECTLY TO SLEEP.
THERE HE DREAMED OF HIS MAMA, HIS MISSION AND MACAROONS HIS FAVORITE COOKIE.
DURING THE NIGHT, A PACING POET UNABLE TO SLEEP FOR WANT OF A WORD, FOUND HIMSELF UNDER THE SAME TREE, GAZING HOPELESSLY AT THE MOON.
NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, HE'D BEEN STRUGGLING TO FIND THE RIGHT WORDS TO DESCRIBE IT.
SUDDENLY MYSTERIOUSLY A SWIRLING WIND BLEW UP.
FOUR OF SIGS WORDS SAILED OFF THEIR BRANCHES REACHING SKYWARD.
THE DISTRACTED POET CAUGHT THEM DISCARDING THE WORD MACAROON.
HE HELD TIGHTLY TO LOZENGE, LEMON AND LICORICE.
THE MOON HE WROTE IN HIS NOTEBOOK, GROWING MORE AND MORE EXCITED WITH EACH WORD MELTED LIKE A LEMON LOZENGE IN THE LICORICE SKY.
MY STARS, THE POET SHOUTED EXULTANT.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING, SELIG AWOKE TO WHAT COULD ONLY BE CALLED A RHAPSODY OF WORDS AND OF BIRDS AND WORDS.
THE POET WAS READING HIS NEWEST POEM ALOUD, A POEM CHAKA BLOCK WITH SELIG'S WORDS, WIPING THE SLEEP CRUMBS FROM HIS EYES, SELLING SCRAMBLE DOWN THE TREE AND SALUTED THE POET.
YOUR POEM, HE TOLD HIM, CONTAINS SOME OF MY FAVORITE WORDS, HOW BEAUTIFULLY YOU USE THEM.
WHY THANK YOU FOR ONCE THE WORDS JUST SEEM TO COME TO ME UPON MY WORD, HOW LUCKY I AM.
WHAT MAY I ASK IS YOUR NAME, I SHOULD LIKE TO DEDICATE MY POEM TO YOU FOR A MOMENT.
THEN SUDDENLY, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, HE PROUDLY PROCLAIMED THEY CALL ME WORDSWORTH.
IT WAS THEN THAT SEK REALIZED HIS MISSION.
IT WAS SPREADING THE WORD, SHARING HIS WORD WITH OTHERS.
AND FROM THAT DAY FORTH HIS HIS STEPS WERE LIGHT AND FILLED WITH PURPOSE.
I'M NOT GONNA READ ANYMORE, BUT IT'S WHAT HE DOES WITH THE WORDS.
YES, THE ILLUSTRATOR, THE ILLUSTRATOR'S NAME IS, AND AS I SOME OF YOU READ, THERE WAS A LITTLE ARTICLE IN THE DISPATCH ABOUT ME.
LITTLE DID I DREAM THAT WHEN I WAS PROTESTING THE WAR IN VIETNAM, THAT ONE DAY I WOULD WRITE CHILDREN'S BOOKS AND MY, ONE OF MY ILLUSTRATORS WOULD LIVE IN HO CHI MINH CITY.
AND THAT'S WHERE QUALE LIVES AND THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
AREN'T THEY MAGNIFICENT? YEAH.
AND THIS AND THIS ONE IS GISELLE POTTER, WHO IS A WONDERFULLY WELLKNOWN CHILDREN'S BOOK ILLUSTRATOR.
UM, NEXT UP IS DAVID SIMON AND DAVID.
AFTER UH, AFTER SIX YEARS UNDER EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT TO DISNEY, UNIVERSAL AND COLUMBIA STUDIOS, DAVID STAFFED, RAN OR CREATED 12 TELEVISION SERIES FROM FERNWOOD TONIGHT TO THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR AND FULL HOUSE TO THE WAYANS BROTHERS TO SISTER, SISTER.
AND MOST RECENTLY, EXCUSE ME, THERE IS JOHNNY, WHICH IS CURRENTLY STREAMING FOR FREE ON ROKU.COM.
HE'S AN AWARD-WINNING PLAYWRIGHT AND NOW MOST IMPROBABLY A POET THANKS TO HIS INVOLUNTARY COLLABORATION WITH LOSS, GRIEF, AND THE ALWAYS ENTERTAINING BIOLOGICAL PHENOMENA OF AGING.
ALRIGHT CHILDREN, YOU'VE HEARD YOUR STORY.
DO YOU WANT TO GET UP AND STRETCH A LITTLE BIT? ANYBODY WANNA GET UP AND STRETCH? NOBODY.
SO, UH, I KNOW THAT IT'S BEEN A LOT TO LISTEN TO ALL OF US AND WE TAKE A LOT OF TIME.
SO I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU, JUST TO BE FAIR, I'M GONNA BE READING JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER THAN CORY BOOKER
ONE HOLLYWOOD TIDBIT, JUST ONE FROM FRESH PRINCE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME WHAT I THOUGHT OF THE OSCARS.
WHEN WILL, SO I SAID WHAT I THINK SHOULD HAPPEN IS THE ACADEMY SHOULD HAVE A PLAQUE OUTSIDE THAT SAYS WILL SMITH SLAPPED HERE.
THIS IS UH, MY ROOMMATE WORDS.
WHAT ALL YOU'RE GONNA HEAR FOUR POEMS FROM ME.
THE FIRST TWO ARE TWO SIDES OF MY MIND.
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GET A LITTLE ROMANTIC AND THEN I'M
[01:25:01]
GONNA ATTEMPT A TRIBUTE AND THEN I'M OUTTA HERE AND IT'S GOING TO TAKE 12 MINUTES 'CAUSE I'VE TIMED IT.DAY ONE SUMMER ARRIVES QUIET AS A WHEAT FIELD NAP OUTSIDE OF GOLDFISH DOES POND LAPS LIKE GRANDPA AT THE Y, A BLOCK AWAY TRAINS DEPOSIT CRUMPLED MEN WITH BLEARY HATS AS ADOLF THE GERMAN SHEPHERD ON THE CORNER YELPS HIS MARCHING ORDERS LIKE THE COMMON DUCK AND SLENDER TAILED, MORNING DOVES EVE STRUCK AND TELEPHONE MARKS.
I'M FOUR WEARING BEACH FLAPPY SHORTS, BARE CHESTED AND BLONDE BOUNCING ON AN INVISIBLE TIGHTROPE IN OUR LIVING ROOM.
A TINY WALLENDA IN SEX, GHOSTS HOLD THEIR BREATH AS THE PLATTERS SEEING ONLY YOU ON THE DUMONT TELEVISION, THE PARAKEETS, PEPPY AND GIGI FLUTTER AND TWIRL LIKE THEY'RE ON AMERICAN BANDSTAND.
SUNLIGHT SNEAKS IN LIKE A CHEATING HUSBAND, STRIKING THE FRAMED PAINTED PORTRAITS OF MY SISTER.
AND I LIKE A HOLLYWOOD CLEE LIGHT.
MY MOM MARCHES FOR THE CEREMONIAL CHANGING OF THE LIVING ROOM.
UPHOLSTERY GUARD
WHEN THE MAGICIANS FLOURISH, MY MOM WHIPS OFF THE WINTER GRIM SLIP COVERS IN BELLOWS VOILA AND STEPS ASIDE TO REVEAL HAWAII WITH HULA DANCERS, UKULELE, STRUMMING, NATIVES, AND MORE PINEAPPLES THAN THE PRODUCE DEPARTMENT AT KEY FOOD.
AND JUST LIKE THAT, IN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS WE LIVE IN THE TROPICS.
TRAFFIC WILL TUMBLE LIKE TIDES, ICE CREAM BELLS WILL CHIME, ASPHALT WILL SINNER BIKES WILL TRANSPORT US LIKE A TOM CORBETT ROCKET SHIP.
BASEBALL ANNOUNCERS WILL BECOME OUR FAVORITE PROFESSORS AND FOREVER FOR NOW WILL FEEL LIKE WE'RE REAL.
THIS ONE IS ANOTHER SIDE OF MY MOM.
THIS IS CALLED A SUNDAY KIND OF LOVE.
SUNDAY IS S-U-N-D-A-E AS AN ICE CREAM.
WE'RE GONNA GO BACK TO THE 1930S NOW.
MY MOM WAS A CLEVER GIRL WITH A TORTURED SOUL, WHICH SHE WORE LIKE A WINTER COAT, UN BUTTON TO THE NECK TO KEEP OUT THE MARROW CHILLED WIND.
EVEN ON THE 4TH OF JULY, HER LIFE WAS REARRANGED BY TRAGEDY AND SHE WAS EIGHT ON A POST BUBBLE BATH BROOKLYN NIGHT IN 1931.
INSTEAD OF FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS TO KEEP A BIG SISTER EYE ON HER, FOREVER SPARING BABY BROTHER THE TOE HAIR CARRY, SHE SUCCUMBED TO THE HYPNOTIC PULL OF MOTHERHOOD AND TENDED TO HER DOLL WITH ITS GODLY BS AND DOUBLE RUFFLED RIBBON TIED ORGAN.
IN AN EFFORT TO KISS THE CHEEK OF THE BECKONING MOON SECRETLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE LAUNCHING PAD OF THE WINDOW SEAT.
HE PRESSED HIS LIPS AGAINST THE MESH OF THE SCREEN AND FELL TO HIS CONCRETE DEATH WHILE WAYNE KING IN HIS ORCHESTRA PLAYED SWEETHEART ON THE FILKO HIGH.
FROM THAT MOMENT ON, MY MOM BELIEVED THAT THE FAMILY HAD SECRETLY CONVENED AND CONVICTED HER OF MURDER.
AND YET AS LIFE HOBBLED ON IT DIDN'T STOP HER FROM BUYING KID GLOVES ON KING'S HIGHWAY, DREAMING ABOUT WHICH MEDICINE HIGH SCHOOL BOY WOULD FINALLY LOVE HER.
TWICE A WEEK, SAM DANCING AT THE BAND SHELL AT CONEY ISLAND.
[01:30:01]
A DUET WITH THE TUMBLING TIDE.SHE SHARED A SUNDAY KIND OF CLUB AT THE LOCAL MULCH SHOP.
SPENT OODLES OF TIME WITH HER COUSINS AND UNCLES AND AUNTS AND WROTE IN HER PALE PINK DIARY AND SWEEPING CURSIVE OF AN OVEREAGER OPTIMIST UNTIL THE DAY THAT HER DAD DIED FROM A FATAL DOSE OF SELF-LOATHING, LEAVING THE FAMILY DESTITUTE WHEN SHE WAS BARELY 16.
AND FROM THAT WOMAN ON THE DIARY PAGES WENT AS BLANK AS A STARE, AND YET SHE SH SOLDIERED ON.
SHE MOVED IN PACKS, VEED SECRETS AND DISPENSED ADVICE LIKE LOAVES IN A BREAD LINE FROM THE PERCH OF HER STOOP AS SHE CONTINUED TO SMOOTH OUT THE WRINKLES OF ADOLESCENTS LIKE THEY WERE JUST ANOTHER IRON, A SLIP TO IRON.
BY THE TIME I ARRIVED, SHE HAD MARRIED AN OLDER MAN WHO LOOKED LIKE EDWARD G. ROBINSON, NOT THE GANGSTER WHO SOLD THE KIND OF FANCY GLOVES ON MADISON AVENUE, BUT SHE BOUGHT AS A CHILD, WHICH MUST HAVE COMFORTED HER FOR THE FINGER OF BOUNTY ALONE.
BUT SHE WAS VISITED BY HER MURDER VICTIM EVERY SINGLE DAY.
WHENEVER SHE LOOKED AT ME, I WAS AS BLONDE AS HER DEAD BABY BROTHER.
SO I WAS KEPT AWAY FROM WINDOWS IN ANY MEANS OF ESCAPE.
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, BEAUTY BECAME THE BEAST.
DISFIGURED BY RAGE, EXHALING VICEROY LIKE DRAGON FIRE, READY TO REACH FOR DADDY'S BELT WITH HER CLAWS.
THE SECOND THAT I DEFIED HER, WHERE'S MY STRAP? SHE WOULD BELLA UP DEEP DOWN INSIDE.
SHE WAS STILL THE GOOD DAUGHTER, LOVELY GIRL, DRAWN AND QUOTED BY SHAME, AN UNBEARABLE LOSS, ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE HAD TO CARRY HER SKELETAL DIABETIC MOTHER TO THE BATHROOM IN HER ARMS AFTER HER GANGRENE LEG WAS AMPUTATED AND BURIED IN A TINY BOX IN THE FAMILY PLOT, WHICH WAS THE ONLY PLACE THAT ANYONE IN MY FAMILY FOUND PEACE.
SURE, GONNA GET A LITTLE ROMANTIC.
ANYBODY BEEN TO MCSORLEY'S HERE? RIGHT? SHOTS OF $4.
THEY WERE FRIENDS AT THAT POINT.
CONFIDANTS, HOISTING A SHOTS AT MCSORLEY'S AS RAIN SPLATTERED.
THE WINDOWS LIKE P*****K PAINT AND SAWDUST, SAWDUST ADDED EXTRA PULP TO THEIR FICTION.
WHEN SHE ASKED ME, KIND OF CASUAL, KIND OF NOT WHITE GHOST KEPT SHOWING UP IN HIS POETRY LIKE THE MILKY AND CAN MILKY INCANDESCENCE OF LONG DEAD RELATIVES, EVAPORATED FRIENDS AND FEMME FATALS WHO LOWERED THE STANDARDS OF HIS HEART TO THAT VERY MOMENT.
HE GAVE IT A THOUGHT, A SECONDS LONG INVENTORY AT BEST AND ANSWERED.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE LOOKED AT HIM LIKE? SHE HAD JUST SOLVED THE WHO'D DONE IT AND SAID, I THINK IT'S ABOUT HOPE, WHICH STOLE HIS BREATH, LIKE A TIMES SQUARE PIT BUCKET.
LIKE THE FIRST TIME HE HEARD POV SING, WHICH GUARANTEED HIM SAFE PASSAGE RIGHT THERE IN THE SALOON WITH ITS USUAL CROWD OF DIEHARDS AND TOURISTS TO ENTER HIS WRITING PLACE WHERE HE CONFERRED BRIEFLY WITH THE SPIRITS WHO TELL THEM TO BACK UP HIS MEMORIES INTO A WELL-TRAVELED STEAMER TRUNK, LIKE A BACKSTAGE DRESSER AND FRED ASTAIRE MOVIE THAT AND HEAD FOR THE SHIP THAT WAS BOUND FROM MARSE.
AND THEN HE, HE ORDERED ANOTHER ROUND AND NOTICED THAT THE CLOUDS HAD DEPARTED AND SHE WAS LIT BY THE SUN, WHICH GAVE HIM THE COURAGE TO REACH OUT AND HOLD YOUR HAND.
[01:35:02]
THIS LAST ONE? YES.UH, I LOVE TONY BENNETT AND WHEN HE DIED I FELT COMPELLED TO WRITE A MEMORIAL.
THIS WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN, WRITTEN IN THE CADENCE OF, OF A GOOD FORTIES.
BUT I'M NOT GONNA READ IT THAT FAST.
I'LL READ IT AS AT A CLIP THOUGH.
TONY BENNETT, FRANK SINATRA, SAN FOR THE LONELY DEAN, FLIRTED AND SCORED.
SAMMY WAS A ONE MAN SHOW, BUT TONY BENNETT WAS SOMETHING ELSE.
TONY WAS A SWINGING POOL CAT WITH A BROW AND A PUR.
HE WAS A SCHOONER, GLIDING OUT A HUNDRED KNOTS ON A CLOUDLESS DAY WITH A SUN, LIKED TO JUMP.
AND JO, HE WAS A ROCKET SHIP LASTING TOWARDS THE MILKY WAY DADDIO.
HE WAS A STREET KID STOMPING FROM LEVELS ON A RAINY DAY.
HE WAS A LATE NIGHT AFTER HOURS JAZZ CLUB WHEN THE COOKING WAS JUST GETTING STARTED.
HE WAS A SPLAYED BOW TIE AND A SWEATY BROW AS HE LEANED ON A BABY BRAND READY TO PROW THE ALLEY OF SOUND WITH PHIL EVANS.
HE WAS A PREACHER AT THE PULPIT OF POP WHO SNAPPED TO THE VERSE AND FLEW A CHORUS, LIKE A KIT AND FLIGHT.
HE WAS THE BHUTAN NEAR THE BORUM BIGGIE RING, THE DIAMOND PIN ON THE SNEAK LAPEL.
HE WAS AS HE WAS AS ITALIAN, AS CALABRIA, AND AS AMERICAN AS THE SONG BOAT.
HE WAS THE SPOTLIGHT, THE STAGE AT THE CARNEGIE HALL, THE CRONER WHO PROBABLY WOULD'VE SUNG FOR NOTHING IF THE STARS HADN'T ALIGNED.
HE WAS THE THUMP OF THE UPRIGHT, THE TOUR GUIDE OF LOVE, THE IRRESISTIBLE TOE TAP, THE BASEBALL LOVING DEACON WITH A BONGO BEATING HEART.
HE WAS THE MAD HATTER, AN ACTIVIST FROM THE DOWNBEAT, A LADIES MAN AS SMOOTH AS PUDDING SKIN.
THE HIPSTER MAILMAN WHO DELIVERED LOVE LETTERS FROM PORTER GERSHWIN, BERLIN, ROGERS, AND HAMMERSTEIN.
TWO FINGERS OF JACK ON THE WAY DOWN, A SLOW BURNING PALM MO TIPPED BY A LIPSTICK KISS.
HE WAS AS LUSCIOUS THE ORCHESTRA AND AS GRACEFUL AS A FIGHTER IN THE EARLY ROUNDS.
HE WAS THE COMEBACK KID, THE BENEDETTO DUETTA, THE CARRIER OF THE FLAME THAT WAS LIT BY CRAWLING GAGA.
HE WAS ONE OF US WHO KNEW JUST HOW MUCH GLAM TO ADD TO THE SAUCE TO MAKE IT FEEL LIKE WE WERE FOR A BRIEF SHINING MOMENT, RICH BEYOND OUR WILDEST DREAMS. IT WAS THE SOUNDTRACK THAT WAS ALWAYS THERE, ESPECIALLY IN THE DESPERATION OF NIGHT WHEN HOPE IS UP FOR GRABS.
HE'S BEEN GONE NOW SINCE 2016 WHEN HIS MEMORIES STARTED TO BE CARRIED OFF LIKE THE SCENERY OF THE CANCELED PLAY.
AND NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, HE'S GONE BABY.
HE FINALLY PUNCHED THE ONE-WAY TICKET TO BLISKY.
BUT GOD, THE HIP CAT OF HARPS AND WONTON FAN ALWAYS HAD A PLAN.
HE MADE SURE THAT TONY LEFT SONGS THAT ARE AS INEXTINGUISHABLE AS A SERPENTINE FIREFLY OR THE STILL TINGLING LIP MEMORY OF THE FIRST KISS.
BUT TODAY THE LOVELINESS OF PARIS SEEMS SOMEHOW, SADLY YAY.
THE GLORY THAT WAS ROME IS OF ANOTHER DAY.
HE'S FINALLY COMING HOME TO THE CITY RIGHT THERE.
HEY DAVID, REMIND ME TO TELL YOU THE STORY OF WHEN I MET TONY BENNETT.
IT WAS AT FRANK SINATRA'S 80TH BIRTHDAY PARTY.
SO, UM,
RACHEL WEINBERG IS A PUSH CART NOMINATED WRITER.
HER STORIES AND POEMS HAVE BEEN PUBLISHED IN LILITH, THE ANTHOLOGY, THE MAN WHO ATE HIS BOOK, THE BEST OF DUCKS.ORG AND OTHER PUBLICATIONS CLOSER TO HOME.
RACHEL IS KNOWN FOR DIRECTING PLAYS AT HASTINGS HIGH SCHOOL AND FOR THE MIDDLE SCHOOL, ONE X WHERE SHE TRAINS TODAY'S SEVENTH AND EIGHTH GRADERS TO BE TOMORROW'S THEATER DIRECTORS.
SHE'S OUR PEN, ULTIMATE WRITER AND READER FOR TONIGHT.
AND PLEASE STAY FOR STEVE ZETLANDS PRESENTATION ON JEWISH HUMOR AND STORYTELLING, WHICH FOLLOWS, RACHEL.
UM, OKAY, SO I'VE BEEN WORKING ON A COLLECTION OF SHORT STORIES ALL BASED ON PLAGUES FROM EXODUS.
[01:40:01]
GIVEN THAT PASSOVER STARTS TOMORROW, IT'S KIND OF TIMELY.UM, OKAY, SO THIS IS, UM, A BIT OF AN EXCERPT, ALTHOUGH I JUST DID SOME EDITING, SO IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S NOT AN EX EXCERPT IN THE TIME OF BLOOD AT 33 CRESCENT LANE AT 7:42 AM NORM BROOKS TURNED ON THE BATHROOM FAUCET, TURNED IT OFF, TURNED IT ON, TURNED IT OFF, AND THEN STUMBLED BACK TO BED.
HIS FEET SHUFFLING OVER THE THREAD BARE CARPET AND CRAWLED UNDER THE COVERS BESIDE HIS WIFE FOR 53 YEARS.
DOES BLOOD USUALLY COME OUT OF THE FAUCET? NO.
HALLUCINATIONS WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO START YET.
SHE WENT TO THE BATHROOM, TURNED THE HANDLE QUICKLY, TURNED IT OFF, TRY IT AGAIN, AND THEN SHE WALKED DOWN THE HALL AND TO THE PHONE, IN THE KITCHEN SO THAT NORM WOULDN'T OVERHEAR.
MOM GOTTA GET SEBASTIAN READY FOR SCHOOL.
HAZEL LET OUT A SIGH OF RELIEF.
WELL, WHATEVER WAS HAPPENING HAD AN EXPANDED CROSS TOWN.
NOT IF GWEN HADN'T NOTICED EVERYTHING.
OKAY, MOM? YEAH, YEAH, IT'S FINE.
UM, JUST SOMETHING A LITTLE FUNNY WITH OUR WATER.
WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR WATER? UM, THERE'S BLOOD IN IT, HUH? BETTER CHECK YOURS.
IF THE WATER WAS CLEAR AT GWEN'S, THEY'D STAYED THERE UNTIL THIS WHOLE THING WAS OVER.
THEN SHE HEARD HER DAUGHTER SCREAM.
HAZEL HUNG UP THE PHONE, CRAWLED BACK TO BED, CURLED HER BODY BESIDE NORMS AND LISTENED TO THE SOUND OF HIS HEARTBEAT AGAINST HER EAR.
SHE'D WAIT FOR THE SCIENTISTS AND POLITICIANS TO EXPLAIN WHY THIS WAS HAPPENING AND TELL HER WHAT TO DO.
IN THE MEANTIME, SHE THOUGHT SHE'D KEEP TRACK OF HOW LONG THE WATER WAS OUT.
DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO PAY FOR A UTILITY THEY DIDN'T PROVIDE.
SHE REASONED THIS MESS WITH THE BLOOD AND HOW AM I GONNA DO THE LAUNDRY? LATER THAT MORNING SHE TURNED ON THE TV AND WATCHED CLOSEUPS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S FAUCETS THAT LOOKED THE SAME AS HER FAUCET, BUT WITH DIFFERENT WALLPAPER, DIFFERENT WINDOWS, DIFFERENT HUSBANDS, DIFFERENT WIVES, DIFFERENT CHILDREN OVER AND OVER.
KNOBS TURNED BLOOD, RUSHED OUT, NORM'S SHOUTING, PULLED HAZEL OUT OF HER LOVERY.
HE WAS IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE FAUCETS TURNED FULL BLAST.
WHERE'S THE BLOOD FROM? NORM ASKED THE PIPES.
REMEMBER NORM LOOKED AT HIS WIFE BEWILDERED.
WHEN YOU WOKE UP THIS MORNING, YOU SAW BLOOD COME OUT OF THE FAUCET.
NORM NODDED AS IF HE REMEMBERED, BUT THE SLOWNESS OF THE NOD LET HAZEL KNOW.
HE HAD NO IDEA HE HAD THE LOOK.
SHE THOUGHT OF ALL THE ONES WHO DON'T LIVE IN THE NOW, THOSE WHO GRASP.
WELL, A CUP IS A CUP, BUT A DAUGHTER IS NO LONGER A DAUGHTER, BUT A STRANGER WHO ENTERS THE HOUSE UNANNOUNCED.
HAZEL IN HER ROLE IS DOCENT IN THE MUSEUM OF REGULAR LIFE.
EXPLAINS THIS IS GWEN YOUR DAUGHTER? THIS IS STEVE, YOUR BEST FRIEND.
YOU REMEMBER STEVE, DON'T YOU? OUR NEIGHBOR, YOUR BEST FRIEND.
BUT EVERYONE KNOWS NORM HAS NO IDEA WHO STEVE IS.
AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN? SHE'S WHEN SHE HERSELF IS FORGOTTEN.
WILL A CUP REMAIN A CUP OR WILL THAT TOO BE GONE? NO ONE TELLS YOU HAZEL THOUGHT AS SHE WALKED NORM TOWARD HIS DRESSER.
WHEN YOU STAND IN THE WHITE DRESS AND REPEAT FOR BETTER OR WORSE HOW WORSE THE WORSE CAN GET.
THEY KEEP YOU DISTRACTED BY THE DRESS AND THE SHOES WITH THE LACE THAT NO ONE SEES, BUT SOMEHOW SEEMED AWFULLY IMPORTANT AT THE TIME.
TIME NO ONE TELLS YOU WHILE YOU FIND THE PHOTOGRAPHER AND THE PERFECT SETTING AND HOPE THE PHOTOS WILL FULFILL THE ROMANTIC IMAGE OF A LIFETIME.
NO ONE TELLS YOU THAT ONE DAY YOUR BODY WILL GROW FOUR SIZES LARGER AND YOUR HUSBAND MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT YOU WILL LOVE HIM ANYWAY.
AND EVEN IF THEY DO TELL YOU IT'S HARD TO HEAR WHAT WITH THE BAND AND YOUR NEW HUSBAND GIVING YOU HIS HAND AND YOUR FATHER WIPING AWAY A TEAR AS YOU TURN AWAY FROM HIM AND GLIDE TO THE DANCE FLOOR WHILE THE MUSIC SWELLS AND YOUR NEW HUSBAND'S MOTHER GRABS YOUR ARM, SPITS OUT A COMPLIMENT AND DEMANDS THAT YOU LOVE HER SON FOR THE REMAINING DAYS OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU PROMISE AND YOU DO OR YOU TRY YOUR HARDEST TO.
SHE OPENED NORMS DRAWER DRESSER AND PULLED OUT TWO SHIRTS SO THAT HE COULD PICK ONE AND FEEL HE HAD SOME CONTROL LEFT IN HIS LIFE ALL NIGHT.
HAZEL DREAMED OF WATER, PURE BLUE, COOL WATER OUT OF A MOVIE OR SOMETHING SHE THOUGHT THE NEXT MORNING NEWSPAPERS HEADLINE, BLASTED IN LARGE
[01:45:01]
PRINT ABOVE THE FOLD, THREE DAYS AVERAGE SURVIVAL RATE WITHOUT WATER, JUST LIKE THE NEWS SHE THOUGHT MAKING MONEY OFF A CRISIS.HER LIPS WERE PARCHED, SKIN DRY.
LITTLE CUTS OPENED ON HER HANDS.
GWEN CALLED TO SAY SEBASTIAN'S SCHOOL WAS CANCELED.
A BLOOD DAY IS WHAT THEY CALLED IT.
GWEN CAME OVER WITH HER HUSBAND, THOMAS AND SEBASTIAN FOR DINNER.
THEY ORDERED CHINESE FOOD, ATE IN THE DINING ROOM WITH THE GOOD DISHES BECAUSE WELL, WHY NOT LIVE UP WHILE THEY COULD? THAT'S WHAT HAZEL THOUGHT.
YOU NEED A DRILL TO BUILD A WELL.
SO THOMAS HOLDING A FORK FULL OF SESAME CHICKEN AS HE STARED OUT THE KITCHEN WINDOW AND A PULLEY SYSTEM, HE TOOK A BITE CHEWED SLOWLY.
HAZEL, A NORM LEVEL IDEA TO BUILD A, TO DIG A WELL.
I WAS SAYING HOW SMART YOU WERE.
SAID THOMAS STILL ARE SAID HAZEL.
HAZEL LOOKED AT GWEN WHERE SHE SAT AT THE FAR END OF THE TABLE WIPING THE SNOT OFF SEBASTIAN'S NOSE.
WHY IN THE WORLD DID THEY NAME THAT POOR BOY, SEBASTIAN? THAT KID WILL GET NO.
HE'LL LEARN TO DEAL WITH THOSE TURBULENCE OF LIFE.
GWEN AND NORM REMAIN SILENT, AFRAID TO TAKE SIDES AFTER THAT.
WONDER IF IT MADE SEBASTIAN STRONG ENOUGH TO FACE THIS CALAMITY? I'VE NEVER GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT WASHING DISHES.
HAZEL SAID AS SHE TOOK A BITE OF HER MOHU PORK, WE CAN WASH WITH BLOOD.
CAN I FINISH THE CHICKEN? WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? NORM ASKED THE DISHES, SAID THOMAS.
GUESS WE KEEP PILING THEM IN THE SINK.
WHAT ABOUT THE DISHES? NORM ASKED.
SAID GWEN CLEANING THEM, SAID THOMAS TO NORM.
MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE USED PAPER PLATES, SAID HAZEL, BUT I HATE PAPER PLATES.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DISHWASHER? NORM ASKED AND PLASTIC KNIVES SAID, GWEN, THEY BREAK.
SOON AS YOU TRY TO CUT SOMETHING, THERE'S BLOOD SAID SEBASTIAN TO NORM WHERE THE WATER ANSWERED.
SEBASTIAN, THAT MAKES NO SENSE, SAID NORM.
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS HONEY.
WE DID THIS MORNING AND THIS AFTERNOON.
REMEMBER GWEN STOOD UP AND STARTED TO CLEAR THE DISHES.
WE FINISHED EATING, SAID THOMAS.
CAN I HAVE SOMETHING TO DRINK? NO, DAD, I'M THIRSTY.
WELL THEN GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DRINK.
HE TURNED TO HAZEL, BLAH BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF YOU ARE SAYING.
HAZEL STOOD UP, CROSSED TO KITCHEN ISLAND, OPENED THE CABINET TO THE RIGHT OF THE SINK AND REACHED ONE OF THE BROWN TINTED GLASSES SHE NO LONGER USED BUT NEVER BOTHERED TO THROW OUT.
SHE TURNED DOWN THE FAUCET, WATCHED THE BLOOD RUN OUT, FILLED THE GLASS, TURNED OFF THE FAUCET, LEANED AGAINST THE COUNTER AND EXAMINED THE CONTENTS BLOOD FOR WATER.
IT'S AMAZING WHAT SOMEONE CAN GET USED TO IF THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS.
SHE BROUGHT THE GLASS TO HER MOUTH.
HALFWAY ACROSS THE KITCHEN TOO LATE.
YOU'D THINK THE TEXTURE WOULD BE THICKER LIKE TOMATO JUICE OR KETCHUP.
IT'S MORE, IT'S THINNER THOUGH.
MORE LIKE, LIKE HERSHEY SAUCE, CHOCOLATE SAUCE.
HAZEL WAS SURPRISED BY THIS TURN OF EVENTS.
THE ONE WHO TOOK A BOUT TO PANAMA AND GOT STRANDED.
THE ONE WHO PIERCED HER NOSE, WHOSE HAIR WAS NEVER THE SAME COLOR TWICE.
WHO GOT A TATTOO? MOTHERHOOD CHANGED HER THOUGHT.
THIS IS THE WAY THINGS ARE AND THE SOONER YOU GET USED TO IT, THE BETTER YOU'LL BE.
HAZEL TOOK DOWN FOUR MORE GLASSES.
SHE LOOKS SERIOUS, SAID THOMAS.
WHAT'S GOING ON? NORM ASKED GRANDMA'S DRINKING BLOOD SAID SEBASTIAN.
IS THAT NORMAL? NORM ASKED SEBASTIAN SHRUGGED.
GRANDMA SAID I CAN HAVE SOME HAZEL HANDED.
PUT THEM BACK ON THE KITCHEN ISLAND.
CAN I HAVE SOME TWO? NORM ASKED.
[01:50:01]
CHAIR.HAZEL PUT TWO GLASSES INTO SEBASTIAN'S HANDS, THEN PLACED THE OTHER TWO IN HER DAUGHTER'S HANDS.
YES, BUT NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.
SHE LOOKED OVER AT NORM, WHO WAS SMILING AND WAVING AT SEBASTIAN.
MOM EARLIER YOU WERE DIGGING A WELL WITH A TROWEL.
A SHOVEL IS BETTER SAID NORM, DEPENDING HOW FAR YOU WANT TO DIG.
SIDS THOMAS, I'VE ADJUSTED, SAID HAZEL AS SHE PUT THE PITCHER UNDER THE FAUCET AND FILLED IT.
YOU HAVE TO ADJUST OR YOU CAN'T SURVIVE.
SHE WALKED TO THE TABLE AND FILLED NORM'S.
THE THINGS HE REMEMBERS SAID THOMAS, AND THE THINGS HE DOESN'T SAID, HAZEL.
THE FIVE OF THEM STARED AT THEIR GLASSES.
HAZEL SILENTLY CONGRATULATED HERSELF FOR CHOOSING THE BROWN ONES.
IT MASKED THE COLOR OF THE BLOOD, MADE IT DARK MAROON INSTEAD OF VIBRANT RED THAT CAME OUT OF THE SINK.
IT FELT SOLID IN HER HAND THE WAY THINGS USED TO.
THOMAS PRESSED HIS LIPS INTO THE LIQUID BUT DIDN'T OPEN HIS MOUTH WITH HIS TONGUE.
HE GAVE HER HALF A SMILE AND THEN TRIED TO TASTE.
DEAR HAZEL LIFTED HER GLASS TO SHOW NORM AND THEN SHE TOOK A SIP AND HELD IT IN HER MOUTH.
A MOMENT BEFORE SWALLOWING, SHE FORCED A SMILE AND WIPED HER LIPS.
CAREFUL TO KEEP THE SIGHT OF THE BLOOD AWAY FROM THE WHITE NAPKIN.
SITS SEBASTIAN A LITTLE SWEET, A LITTLE SALTY ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
GWEN'S GLASS NEVER LEFT THE TABLE.
SHE STOOD UP, TOOK A LONG LOOK AT EVERYONE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? THOMAS ASKED.
I'M NOT SITTING AROUND A TABLE WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO DRINK BLOOD.
THAT'S NOT WHO WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.
HAZEL SAID TO THE SLAMMED FRONT DOOR THAT NIGHT, HAZEL AND NORM SAT IN THE DEN AND WATCHED THE TV ON LOW.
THERE ARE HOLES IN THE BACKYARD.
HAZEL REALIZED SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TURNED ON THE OUTSIDE LIGHTS, BUT SHE WAS CONCERNED.
GWEN WOULD HAVE TROUBLE OPENING THE DOOR IN THE DARK ONCE SHE DECIDED TO RETURN.
IF GWEN DECIDED TO RETURN, SHE'S BOUND TO RETURN.
THOUGHT HAZEL, HER HUSBAND AND CENTER HERE STILL GWEN COULD DECIDE TO GO BACK TO HER OWN HOUSE.
PROBABLY WOULD'VE DONE THE SAME AT HER AGE.
BUT NOT BLAMING GWEN IS NOT THE SAME AS NOT BEING ANGRY AT GWEN.
YOU CAN'T DIG A HOLE DEEP ENOUGH WITH A SHOVEL OR A TROWEL.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? HAZEL LAUGHED TO MOVE CLOSER TO NORM ON THE OLD COUCH.
PUT HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER THE WAY SHE USED TO WHEN HE WAS THE ONE SHIFTING STOCKS FROM ONE INVESTMENT TO ANOTHER.
SOMETIMES MAKING MONEY, RARELY TELLING HER WHEN HE LOST MONEY.
YOU HAVE TO DIG 500 FEET TO FIND WATER.
WHEN THE OLD NORM REAPPEARED, AS HE SOMETIMES DID, HAZEL NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT MADE THE PIECES IN HIS BRAIN FIT BACK TOGETHER.
MAYBE IT WAS THE ANGLE OF THE LIGHT OR A FRAGMENT OF MUSIC, A DISTINCT SMELL, A PROBLEM TO SOLVE THAT WAS FAMILIAR ENOUGH TO KINDLE A FLICKER OF RECOGNITION IF SHE COULD ONLY HOLD ONTO IT FOR A MOMENT LONGER.
REMEMBER HOW IT FELT TO BE WITH THE MAN SHE MARRIED INSTEAD OF INSTEAD OF THIS NEW VERSION? SHE NEVER ASKED HERSELF WHY SHE DID IT.
WHY SHE DIDN'T PUT HIM IN MEMORY CARE UNIT SOMEPLACE.
THEY THOUGHT ABOUT IT WHEN HE WAS FIRST DIAGNOSED, BUT SHE SAID NO.
SHE'D MADE A COMMITMENT DECADES AGO.
OR MAYBE TAKING CARE OF HIM WAS A HABIT AND SHE WASN'T SURE HOW TO CHANGE IT.
OR MAYBE SHE WAS PART OF THAT GENERATION THAT DIDN'T QUESTION OW ONCE IT WAS MADE.
OR MAYBE IT WAS LOVE BORN OUT OF YEARS OF CHANGES.
SO DIFFERENT THAN THIS YOUNGER GENERATION WHEN EVERYTHING CAN BE QUESTIONED AND DISCARDED.
HECK, PEOPLE DIDN'T EVEN STAY IN THE SAME GENDER ANYMORE.
WHAT IS IT? THIS TIME HAZEL WASN'T SURE IF NORM WAS THINKING OF THE CURRENT GWEN OR THE HIGH SCHOOL.
NORM NODDED AS IF HE UNDERSTOOD.
HAZEL THOUGHT MAYBE HE UNDERSTOOD MORE THAN SHE DID.
HAZEL'S LEGS SCRAPED AGAINST THE CORDUROY UPHOLSTERY AS SHE TUCKED THEM UNDERNEATH.
OUTSIDE THEY HEARD THE SCREE TIRE SCREECHES.
PROBABLY ANOTHER NEIGHBOR TAKING OFF FOR ANOTHER TOWN TO OR ANOTHER GROCERY STORE TO SEE IF SOMEPLACE ELSE HAD WATER.
HAZEL AND GWEN AND THOMAS HAD CONTEMPLATED, BUT THE TERROR OF DISCOVERING THAT THERE WASN'T ANY WAS MORE
[01:55:01]
POWERFUL THAN THEIR THIRST.WANT ME TO GET IT FOR YOU? YES, PLEASE.
HAZEL STOOD UP AND WALKED TOWARDS THE KITCHEN.
SHE PASSED THE ORANGE FLOWER CARPET THEY PURCHASED WHEN THEY FIRST BOUGHT THE HOUSE.
THE WIRE SCULPTURE IN THE HALLWAY TABLE FROM NORM'S, PARENTS' HOUSE.
SHE NEVER LIKED THAT SCULPTURE, BUT NORM REMEMBERED IT FROM HIS CHILDHOOD.
AND WHEN HIS PARENTS DIED, HAZEL KEPT HER OPINIONS TO HERSELF.
SHE PASSED THE BURNT OUT LIGHT OUTSIDE THE PANTRY THAT SHE'D HAVE TO ASK THOMAS TO FIX.
SHE WALKED TO THE KITCHEN COUNTER WHERE THE NEWSPAPER STILL SAT FORGOTTEN IN ALL THE T OF THE DAY.
SHE LOOKED AT THE HEADLINE AND PUT IT IN THE TRASH.
AND THEN SHE WENT TO THE RECYCLING AND DUG OUT ONE OF LAST WEEK'S PAPERS.
ONE WITH THE NORMAL WARS AND DROUGHTS THAT HAPPENED IN OTHER COUNTRIES, COUNTRIES THAT THEY COULDN'T FIND ON THE MAP, NOT WITHOUT DIFFICULTY AT ANY RATE.
SHE WALKED BACK INTO THE DEN AND HANDED HIM THE OLD PAPER.
AND THEN SHE GOT HER BOOK AND SAT DOWN ON THE COUCH BESIDE HIM.
NORM FLIPPED THROUGH THE PAGES AND WHEN HE GOT TO THE END, HE STARTED THE BEGINNING AND CLO CLOSED HER EYES AND LISTENED TO THE SOUND OF THE PAGES TURNING.
IT FELT LIKE OLD TIMES, WELL, ALMOST TWO DAYS LATER, THE WATER RETURNED AS MYSTERIOUSLY AS IT HAD DISAPPEARED.
HAZEL THOUGHT PEOPLE WOULD RUN INTO THE STREETS AND CELEBRATE, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
INSTEAD, WHETHER BY PLAN OR BY IMPULSE, THE TOWN WALKED QUIETLY TO THE RIVER.
SINGLE FILE, LIKE A SLOW MOVING PARADE.
AMONG THEM LATER THEY DESCRIBED TO HAZEL WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO SEE THE WATER FLOW IN AND OUT, WAVE UPON WAVE A PURE BLUE AS IF THE BLOOD HAD NEVER HAPPENED.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING SHE PUT NORM IN THE CAR AND DROVE TO THE SHORE TO SEE THE MIRACLE OF THE WATER.
EVEN IF HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT EVERYONE WAS EXCITED ABOUT.
ISN'T THERE ALWAYS WATER IN THE RIVER? NORM ASKED.
HAZEL WALKED TO THE BATHROOM, TURNED ON THE FAUCET, TURNED IT OFF, TURNED IT ON, TURNED IT OFF.
SHE WATCHED MESMERIZED FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.
SHE LOVED THE SOUND OF MOST OTHER THAN NORM'S.
BREATH BESIDE HER AT NIGHT WAS THE SOUND OF WATER FLOWING THROUGH THE PIPES.
PUSHING UP FROM THE GROUND INTO THE BASEMENT, UP THROUGH THE PIPES, HIDDEN INSIDE THE WALLS, AGAINST THE STAIRS INTO THE KITCHEN, THE BATHROOM, THE SINKS.
ALL THOSE THINGS WE TOOK FOR GRANTED.
SHE STARES AT THE GLASS OF WATER AND HOPES TO LIVE OUT THE REST OF HER DAYS.
THAT'S THE BLESSING OF THE TIME OF BLOOD SHE THINKS AS SHE DRINKS.
UH, LAST BUT VERY NOT LEAST AT ALL, STEVE IS THE FOUNDING DIRECTOR OF CITY LAW.
THE OWNER OF THE PALM MOBILE THAT'S PARKED OUT FRONT CITY LAW WAS LAUNCHED IN 1985 AND IS NOW A THRIVING GALLERY AND CULTURAL CENTER, UM, AND A SMITHSONIAN AFFILIATE.
STEVE IS THE RECIPIENT OF THE BAKKIN AWARD FOR LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT FROM THE AMERICAN FOLKLORE SOCIETY AND AN ARCHIE GREEN FELLOWSHIP FROM THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS.
HE HAS DIRECTED AND CO-PRODUCED A DOZEN DOCUMENTARIES, INCLUDING FREE SHOW TONIGHT ABOUT THE TRAVELING MEDICINE SHOWS IN THE 1930S AND 1940S.
HE'S THE AUTHOR OF 12 BOOKS ON AMERICAN FOLK CULTURE AND THE AUTHOR OF A VOLUME OF POETRY.
I HEAR AMERICA SINGING IN THE RAIN.
UM, HE HAS A BOOK OF JEWISH STORYTELLING THAT IS FOR SALE TONIGHT AND TONIGHT HE'LL BE PRESENTING.
UM, YOU ARE RIGHT, HE'S RIGHT TOO.
TEASING OUT THE POETRY AND JEWISH HUMOR AND STORYTELLING.
FIRST OF ALL, IN CASE YOU, UH, WERE THINKING THAT THIS WAS PLANNED TO BE THE GRAND FINALE, YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED THAT EVERYBODY IS AN ALPHABETICAL ORDER.
SO, AND I THOUGHT I WOULD GIVE YOU A LITTLE BIT OF A BACKGROUND ON HOW I CAME TO BE DOING THIS TALK.
UM, MANY YEARS AGO, I WAS A STUDENT, UH, ACT AT, AT THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA AND AS AN UNDERGRADUATE, WANDERING THROUGH THE SHELLS.
AND I CAME ACROSS A BOOK THAT WAS CALLED THE FOLKLORE OF NEW YORK CITY BY A GENTLEMAN NAMED BENJAMIN BOTKIN, WHO TURNED OUT, LIVED IN CROTON ON HARMON.
AND I KIND OF OPENED IT TO A RANDOM
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PAGE AND SAW THAT THERE WAS A, A COLLECTION OF CHILDREN'S RHYMES THAT HE HAD.HE HAD, HE HAD, UH, COLLECTED ACTUALLY AS, AS PART OF THE WPA, UH, ACTUALLY RALPH ELLISON COLLECTED CHILDREN'S RHYMES FOR THE WPA AS WELL.
AND I STOPPED ON A KIND OF RANDOM PAGE AND SAW THAT THERE WAS A CHILDREN'S RHYME THAT WENT, I SHOULD WORRY, I SHOULD CARE.
AND I THOUGHT, BOY, THIS, THIS IS THE PERFECT JOB FOR ME.
I MEAN, WHO IS THIS GOING AROUND COLLECTING STORIES.
AND I FOUND OUT THAT YOU COULD GET A PHD IN FOLKLORE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA.
SO TO MY PARENTS' DELIGHT, OF COURSE, I SIGNED UP.
IT SEEMED LIKE THE PERFECT, THE PERFECT, UH, KIND OF KIND OF JOB FOR ME.
AND IN 1973, UM, THEY, THEY WERE MORE, YOU KNOW, KIND OF REALIZED THAT YOU COULD GET A JOB AS THAT.
AS I GOT A JOB AT THE SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTION AT THEIR FOLK LIFE FESTIVAL WHERE I SUGGESTED HAVING A TENT WHERE ANYBODY WHO WANTED TO COULD COME IN AND TELL THEIR FAMILY STORIES.
AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE A WONDERFUL THING.
BACK IN 1976, THE BICENTENNIAL, IT'S, IT'S ALMOST THE 250TH ANNIVERSARY, BUT WE COLLECTED STORIES FROM HUNDREDS OF DIFFERENT FAMILIES AT THAT FESTIVAL.
AND WE NOTICED WHEN WE WENT TO DO A BOOK THAT THERE WAS TOO MANY JEWISH STORIES.
THERE WAS JUST A PREPONDERANCE OF JEWISH STORIES.
SO I, I GOT INTO MY HEAD THAT SOMEDAY I WANTED TO GO BACK AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT JEWISH STORIES AND ABOUT JEWISH HUMOR.
UM, SO I ENDED UP WRITING SAILING INTO NEW YORK HARBOR AT THE TURN OF THE CENTURY.
Y OLD BY YLE, THE JEWISH IMMIGRANTS CARRIED WITH THEM FAR MORE THAN THE MEAGER POSSESSIONS BUNDLED IN THEIR ARMS. THEY BROUGHT THEIR INDOMITABLE SENSE OF HUMOR AND STORYTELLING.
THE CULTURE OF YIDDISH KITE, THEIR CULTURE INTERMINGLED WITH THE FOLK CULTURE OF NEW YORK CITY AND THE LOWER EAST SIDE.
AND ULTIMATELY, JEWISH HUMOR BECAME SYNONYMOUS WITH NEW YORK HUMOR AND THROUGH EARLY TELEVISION WITH AMERICAN HUMOR, THROUGH COMEDIANS SUCH AS JACK BENNY, MILTON BURR, FANNIE BRI, LENNY BRUCE, GEORGE BURNS, MORTAL, SAM LEVINSON, S CAESAR, BUDDY HACKETT, JACKIE MASON, MYRON COHEN, DON RICKLES, JOAN RIVERS, THE MARX BROTHERS, CARL REINER, HENNY YOUNGMAN, WOODY ALLEN, SEINFELD, JOHN STEWART, AND MANY MORE JEWS LEFT AN INDELIBLE IMPRINT ON AMERICAN HUMOR.
AND I STARTED TO THINK ABOUT WHAT WERE SOME OF THE REASONS WHY JEWISH HUMOR WAS KIND OF PICKED OUT AS BEING SO FUNNY.
SOME PEOPLE ENDED UP CALLING JEWISH HUMOR A KIND OF HUMOR, A KIND OF, OF A VICTORY GAINED BY THE JEWISH SPIRIT OVER CENTURIES OF ADVERSITY, AN EXULTANT DEFIANCE OF PERSECUTION AND HARASSMENT, AN AFFIRMATION OF THE WILL TO SURVIVE IN THE FACE OF AN EVER IMPENDING DOOM.
AS ONE STORYTELLER PUT IT, JEWISH PEOPLE ALWAYS WANTED TO LAUGH AT SITUATIONS, EVEN AT TIMES WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE CRIED.
SO IN THINKING ABOUT THE DIFFERENT QUALITIES OF JEWISH HUMOR, I LANDED FOR ONE THING ON THIS IDEA OF TALMUDIC REASONING.
JEWISH HUMOR OFTEN EMERGES FROM A PECULIAR TURN OF MIND, A KIND OF CONVOLUTED LOGIC DUBBED TALMUDIC REASONING.
MANY JEWISH WRITERS AND STORYTELLERS HAVE COME UP WITH THEIR FAVORITE QUINTESSENTIAL EXAMPLES.
LEO ROSTEN TELLS OF A LETTER HE RECEIVED FROM GROUCHO MARKS DEAR JUNIOR, EXCUSE ME, FOR NOT ANSWERING YOU SOONER, BUT I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY NOT ANSWERING LETTERS LATELY THAT I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO GET AROUND TO NOT ANSWERING YOURS IN TIME.
MY SON TOLD ME, ACTUALLY SAW THIS SIGN IN, IN, UH, HASTINGS BOOKSTORE IN GOOD YARDS, UH, MANY YEARS AGO.
UH, APPARENTLY A QUOTE FROM GROUCHO MARX, OUTSIDE OF A DOG, A BOOK IS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND INSIDE OF A DOG.
IT'S TOO DARK TO READ
NOT ONLY WHAT HE SAYS ISN'T TRUE, BUT THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT HE SAYS IS NOT TRUE.
EITHER
THE OPTIMIST, YES, THEY CAN GET WORSE.
ABSOLUTELY, THEY CAN GET MUCH WORSE.
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FUNNIEST MOMENTS I'VE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE ON THE PERIPHERY OF HAPPENED, UH, SOME YEARS BACK AT, AT A PLACE CALLED CLAY CAMP IN THE CATSKILLS.IT'S, IT'S NOW BECOME THE KIND, THE YIDDISH FESTIVAL THAT HAPPENS IN NEW YORK EVERY HAPPENING OVER CHRISTMAS WEEK, ACTUALLY EVERY YEAR.
AND IT WAS THREE OR FOUR IN THE MORNING.
AND I HEARD MICHAEL, WE A WONDERFUL JEWISH COMEDIAN AND A FEW OTHER INSOMNIACS WORKING THROUGH ONE OF THOSE PROBLEMS ABOUT WHAT'S KOSHER IN A PARTICULAR SITUATION.
THE QUESTION THEY WERE PONDERING WAS THIS, IF A RELIGIOUS JEW HAS A TOUPEE, DO THEY HAVE TO WEAR A YAMAKA ON TOP OF THE TOUPEE
AND HE ANSWERED, IF THE TOUPEE LOOKS LIKE A TOUPEE, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WEAR A YAMAKA
THE WORDS OF RABBI HILLEL, IF I AM NOT FOR MYSELF, WHO WILL BE FOR ME? AND IF, IF I AM ONLY FOR MYSELF, WHAT AM I? AND IF NOT NOW WHEN.
AND HAMS CLASSIC QUESTION RE TOLD IN FIDDLER ON THE ROOF, GOD, I KNOW WE ARE YOUR CHOSEN PEOPLE, BUT COULDN'T YOU CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE FOR A CHANGE? AND WE SEE THE QUESTIONS IN JOKES AS WELL.
MOISHA SEES A SIGN UP IN A TAILOR SHOP ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE, THE SIGN READS, MY NAME IS FINK.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? I PRESS CLOSE FOR NOTHING.
SO MOSIA GETS HIS SHIRTS TOGETHER, BRINGS THEM IN, COMES BACK A FEW DAYS LATER, AND THERE WITH HIS SHIRTS, MUCH TO HIS SURPRISE COMES A BILL.
SO HE SAYS TO THE TAILOR, WHAT ABOUT THE SIGN? IT SAYS, YOU PRESS CLOSE FOR NOTHING.
OH, NO, HE SAYS, YOU ARE READING IT WRONG.
HE SAYS, LOOK, THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? I PRESS CLOSE FOR NOTHING.
SO IN THE PAST FEW YEARS, WHAT, UM, WHAT I ENDED UP THINKING ABOUT AND ACTUALLY WRITING ABOUT WAS, UH, UH, YEARS AFTER I HAD ORIGINALLY DONE THIS WORK ON JEWISH HUMOR WAS AN IDEA THAT A CAME TO ME, UH, WHEN I AM IN A POETRY GROUP.
AND ONE OF THE POEMS THAT A, A FRIEND OF MINE SENT AROUND TO ME IN THE FORM OF A POEM WAS, WAS THIS AS A SURPRISE GIFT FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
A GOD SENDS HIS POLYGLOT IMMIGRANT GRANDMOTHER A BIRD THAT SPEAKS 10 LANGUAGES.
SO GRANDMA, HOW DO YOU LIKE THE BIRD? DELICIOUS.
WHAT? YOU ATE THE BIRD? GRANDMA, THAT BIRD SPOKE 10 LANGUAGES.
REALLY? SO WHY DID HE SAY SOMETHING?
SO I TRIED TO COME UP WITH A FEW EXAMPLES THAT I THOUGHT SPOKE TO THE KIND OF WAY IN WHICH JEWISH HUMOR HAS A POETIC ELEMENT TO IT.
THE PERFECT GIRL, A FRIEND ASKS AB, HOW COME YOU NEVER MARRIED? SIMPLE.
I NEVER FOUND THE PERFECT GIRL.
YOU MEAN YOU NEVER FOUND ONE GIRL IN THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? ONLY ONCE I DID, I FOUND THE PERFECT GIRL.
THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU MARRY HER? SHE WAS LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT GUY
AND ONE OF, ONE OF THE, UM, YOU KNOW, WHEN, WHEN YOU WRITE A BOOK AND ALL, ALL OF US ARE
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AWARE OF THAT, YOU THERE, YOU ALWAYS REGRET THINGS THAT YOU DIDN'T PUT IN THE BOOK THAT YOU HEARD LATER, BUT THAT SEEMED LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE BOOK.YOU JUST, THEY'RE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.
AND THIS WAS A JOKE THAT WAS JUST TOLD TO ME RECENTLY.
AND I KNOW IT WAS A GOOD JOKE 'CAUSE IT WAS TOLD ME BY BOB MANKOFF, WHO WAS THE FORMER CARTOON EDITOR OF THE NEW YORKER AND WHO I PLAYED PING PONG WITH, AND HE CONSIDERED THIS ONE OF THE GREAT JOKES.
BENJAMIN GOES TO HIS SHRINK BECAUSE HE SIMPLY HAS HAD NO LUCK ON THE DATING SCENE.
THE DOC ASKS THEM, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? YOU JUST CAN'T FIND THE RIGHT GIRL.
OH NO, I'VE MET LOTS OF BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY GIRLS.
SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? THE PROBLEM IS WHENEVER I FIND A PRETTY GIRL AND BRING HER HOME, MY MOTHER HATES HER.
WELL, BENJAMIN, I'M HAPPY TO TELL YOU.
I THINK IT'S A SOLVABLE PROBLEM REALLY.
HE SAYS, WELL, YOU JUST NEED TO FIND A GIRL WHO IS AS MUCH LIKE YOUR MOTHER AS POSSIBLE.
BENJAMIN THOUGHT THAT WAS AN INSPIRED IDEA AND IS ENCOURAGED TO TRY IT OUT.
A FEW WEEKS LATER, HE COMES BACK TO HIS SHRINK.
SO HIS THERAPIST SAYS, WERE YOU ABLE TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM? WELL, I FIND A GIRL WHO LOOKS LIKE MY MOTHER.
SHE EVEN COOKS LIKE MY MOTHER.
SO HOW DID IT GO IN YOUR DATE? TERRIBLE.
WHAT COULD HAVE POSSIBLY GONE WRONG? MY FATHER HATES HER
UM, THIS NEXT ONE WAS TOLD TO ME BY, UH, WONDERFUL POET AND FRIEND OF MINE, ESTHER COHEN, BORN IN GRAND FOLK, GRAND FORKS, NORTH DAKOTA, ROMANIAN PARENTS, THEY SNUCK ACROSS FROM WINNIPEG.
AND OLD JEWISH WOMAN JUST LIKE HER, WAS WEARING HER BEST BATHING SUIT WHEN SHE STRUTTED ACROSS THE FLORIDA SAND.
PROBABLY BY THOUGH IT COULD HAVE BEEN BOCA RATON.
THREE MEN WERE SITTING ON A BENCH FACING THE WATER AND SHE WALKED RIGHT UP TO THEM.
IF YOU CAN GUESS WHAT'S IN MY HAND, YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH ME.
SHE SAID, THE MAN ON THE END WAS FIRST AN ELEPHANT.
SO WHAT, WHAT ARE THE, UM, WHAT ARE THE, UH, THINGS ABOUT JEWISH HUMOR IS THAT SOMETIMES IT CAPTURES VERY DEEP THINGS THAT ARE THAT IN THE FORM OF A JOKE, BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY, YOU HAVE TO QUESTION WHETHER IS A JOKER OR A PIECE OF PHILOSOPHY.
AND THIS, THIS NEXT ONE WAS SENT TO ME BY ZEV ZEV SHANKIN, WHO WAS THE ORIGINAL PERSON WHO TOLD ME THIS STORY.
AND I THOUGHT IT, HE PUT IT INTO THE FORM OF A POEM.
A COMEDIAN DIES AND GOES TO HEAVEN.
HE MEETS GOD AND SAYS, ARE YOU OKAY WITH HOLOCAUST JOKES? GOD SAYS, TRY ME.
THE COMEDIAN TELLS GOD THE JOKE.
THE COMEDIAN REPLIES, WELL, I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE.
UM, TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER WONDERFUL EXAMPLE OF THE PHILOSOPHY THAT ARE IN MANY JEWISH STORIES AND JOKES I PUT TO CALL THIS ONE THE BEAUTIFUL QUESTION, WHY MUST THE JEW ALWAYS ANSWER A QUESTION WITH A QUESTION? BECAUSE A GOOD QUESTION IS HALF THE ANSWER.
AND BECAUSE A ETTL STUDENT STUDYING BY CANDLELIGHT SCREAMS SUDDENLY WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? HE RAN TO WAKE THE RABBI IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
AND SURPRISINGLY, THE RABBI OPENS THE DOOR AND SMACKS HIM.
AND HE SAYS, WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHY DID YOU DO THAT? HE SAID, YOU HAVE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL QUESTION.
WHY WOULD YOU EXCHANGE IT FOR AN ANSWER? SOME OF THE, SOME OF THE JOKES THAT I'VE HEARD, UH, I FIND THERE'S POETRY IN THEM, NOT NECESSARILY BECAUSE OF THE PROSE, BUT BECAUSE OF THE WAY THEY'RE TOLD.
AND THIS WAS TOLD TO BE BY A GENTLEMAN NAMED JACK TEPPER, WHO I LOST TRACK OF WHEN HE, WHEN HE MOVED OUT TO THE SOUTHWEST, THAT HE WENT LIKE THIS.
AS HE TELLS IT, SAM COHEN IS A SALESMAN OF RIBBONS AND NOTIONS, PARLIAMENTARY VERY SUCCESSFUL.
AND AFTER 40 YEARS, HE'S GOING TO RETIRE TALKING TO ANOTHER SALESMAN.
HE SAYS, YOU KNOW, MR. O'CONNELL WHO OWNS A DRESS HOUSE, HE WOULD NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM ME BECAUSE HE HATES JEWS.
THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY CAREER WOULD BE IF BEFORE I RETIRE, I COULD SELL HIM AN ORDER.
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SO HE GOES TO MR. O'CONNELL.MR. O'CONNELL LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS, SARDONICALLY, I HEAR YOU'RE RETIRING.
COHEN, YOU'VE BEEN BOTHERING ME FOR YEARS.
AND YOU KNOW, I DON'T DEAL WITH HEBES, BUT OKAY, YOU WANT AN ORDER? I'LL GIVE YOU AN ORDER.
YOU GOT ANY RED RIBBON? COHEN SAYS, SURE, WE GOT RED RIBBON.
WHAT WIDTH? HE SAID, HALF INCH.
WHAT? HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED? WELL, I WANT A RIBBON THAT WILL REACH FROM YOUR BELLY BUTTON TO THE TIP OF YOUR PENIS.
THAT'S AS BIG A PIECE OF RIBBON AS I WANT.
AND MR. O'CONNELL THROWS HIM OUT OF HIS FACTORY.
SIX WEEKS LATER, MR. O'CONNELL GOES TO HIS FACTORY AND IN FRONT OF THE DOOR ARE FIVE TRAILER TRUCKS AND THEY'RE UNLOADING THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF YARDS OF RIBBON.
HE RUNS INSIDE, GETS ON THE PHONE AND SAYS, COHEN, YOU MISERABLE ANIMAL.
WHAT DID YOU SEND ME? COHEN SAID, LOOK, MR. O'CONNELL EXACTLY WHAT YOU ASKED FOR IS WHAT I SENT YOU MY BELLY BUTTON.
YOU SAID TO, IT REACHES THE TIP OF MY PENIS.
65 YEARS AGO, I WAS CIRCUMCISED IN A LITTLE TOWN OUTSIDE OF WARSAW, POLAND,
SO I JUST WANNA END WITH, UH, JUST ANOTHER, ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL, UH, JEWISH STORY THAT I THOUGHT WAS A POEM IN ITSELF AT A CONCERT BY ITZA PERMAN.
AS IT GOT UNDERWAY, A STRING ON HIS VIOLIN SNAPPED.
THE CROWD EXPECTING HIM TO SRING IT.
INSTEAD, HE MOTIONED TO THE CONDUCTOR TO BEGIN THE MOVEMENT AGAIN.
HE PLAYED THE FULL CONCERTO ON ONLY THREE STRINGS WITH NO FLAWS.
THE AUDIENCE AWED BY THE MAGNIFICENT STRAINS ROSE IN SPONTANEOUS APPLAUSE.
HE SILENCED THEM WITH A SINGLE PHRASE.
OUR JOB IS TO MAKE MUSIC WITH WHAT REMAINS.
AND WITH THAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND, AND, AND I, AND BEFORE WE GO, I JUST WANT TO THANK BARBARA FOR ALL OF US.
AND, AND TO SAY THAT BARBARA, BARBARA IS THE WALKING, LIVING SYMBOL OF THE ARTS.
AND HASTINGS, ALL OF US ARE PART OF BARBARA BECAUSE WE ARE THE ONES THAT SOMEHOW APPEAR IN HER MIND WHEN SHE'S TRYING TO DO AN ARTS PROGRAM.
AND SO, UM, WE, WE WANNA MAKE SURE THAT WE SUPPORT HER.
AND, AND THAT'S HAVE A BIG HAND FOR BARBARA PRISMA.
THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN, EVERYONE.
UM, I JUST WANNA SHARE A QUICK FLASHBACK, STEVE, THAT YOU, THAT CAME TO MIND WHILE YOU WERE TALKING.
I'M, YEARS AGO, I'M ON A SKI, UH, I'M GETTING A SKI LESSON AT THUNDER RIDGE AND I'M GOING UP THE SKI LIFT WITH THE INSTRUCTOR.
AND I SAID TO HIM, YOU KNOW, WHEN WE GET TO THE TOP AND I TRY TO GET OFF, I'M GONNA FALL.
AND HE SAID, THINK POSITIVELY.
AND I SAID, OKAY, I'M POSITIVE.
BUT THEN WHEN WE GET TO THE TOP AND WHEN I TRY TO GET OFF, I'M GONNA FALL.
AND I DID, UM, UNTIL HE TAUGHT ME HOW NOT TO.
ANYWAY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING EVERYONE.
UM, WHAT A TALENTED COMMUNITY WE HAVE OF AUTHORS AND POETS AND ESSAYISTS AND PLAYWRIGHTS AND, UM, YOU ARE ALL SO SUPPORTIVE TO COME OUT TO HEAR THEM READ.
THIS HAS BECOME SUCH A LOVELY TRADITION.
IF YOU'D LIKE TO BUY ONE OF, STEVE BROUGHT ONE OF HIS BOOKS AND RONNIE BOUGHT, BROUGHT TWO.
THEY'RE OVER HERE ON THE TABLE AND THEY COULD SIGN THEM FOR YOU.
I'M VOLUNTEERING YOU TO SIGN THEM.
UM, AND UH, UH, TO FOLLOW UP ON WHAT STEVE SAID, A COUPLE OF UPCOMING THINGS FOR DESTINATION HASTINGS.
WE HAVE THE SPRING THING COMING UP ON MAY 4TH.
WE HAVE THREE BANDS PERFORMING THE GRIFTERS, A BAND CALLED COLOR TV, AND A BAND CALLED WHAT THE FUNK.
UM, IT'S GONNA BE A LOT OF FUN.
A LOT OF OUR NEIGHBORS WILL BE OUT WITH A SUSTAINABILITY BOOTHS AND TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY DO.
WE'LL HAVE A SLIDE FOR KIDS AND A COOKOUT FROM THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.
AND THEN, UM, IF YOU LOOK@DESTINATIONHASTINGS.ORG, I JUST ANNOUNCED THE THREE SUMMER CONCERTS THAT WE'RE GONNA HAVE AT, AT THE WATERFRONT PARK ON THREE TUESDAYS IN JULY WITH THREE TERRIFIC GROUPS.
UM, HASTINGS ON JAZZ IS BACK ON SUNDAYS IN THE SUMMER FOR 10 WEEKS, UH, WITH, UH, DAVID JANEWAY, WHO WAS HERE EARLIER.
BUT, UM, HE'S BRING, BRINGS MUSICIANS.
MARK SOMETIMES JOINS HIM ON SAX AND, UM, THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE.
OH, AND THE GRATEFUL DEAD, GRATEFUL TO BE ALIVE.
COVER BAND FROM HASTINGS, ERIC LICKER AND FRIENDS WILL BE PERFORMING ALSO IN JULY AT THE WATERFRONT.
UH, THE FRIDAY NIGHT PRIDE EVENT WILL BE THE SECOND FRIDAY IN JUNE, AND ON THE FIRST SATURDAY IN JUNE, YOU'LL HAVE THE RIVER ARTS MUSIC TOUR.
UM, SO IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT SEASON AND I'M JUST SO GLAD TO SEE EVERYONE.
FEEL FREE TO SCHMOOZE WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS AND THANK YOU FOR COMING.